victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (dreams)
I dreamed that me and my school's ACE team (ACE is a NW Arkansas competitive academic league, similar to Quiz Bowl) were in the church building where my friend had her 18th birthday party. The building was slightly altered in my dream, as buildings often are. I think this building belonged to the A*en family or the C**wder family. There was a room of refrigerators with soda in them. None of the fridges had Sprite bottles, so I unboxed a warm bottle of sprite and put it in a fridge to cool.

then I joined a volleyball game in the gymnasium. I was teamed up with classmates against a team of strangers. It was a SUPER close game. I remember one girl on the other team was getting ready to serve, so she twirled the ball in her fingers. It was the smoothest most beautiful action I think I'd ever seen and it actually made my stomach flip. Like I said, it was a close game, but two player on the other team hit the ball out, giving us the points we needed to win. So yeah, we won. woooooo.

Then I remember going into the kitchen of this same building. The kitchen counters were much higher than a normal kitchen, so high that there were pointlessly dysfunctional. The kitchen was very dirty. For some reason I felt obligated to clean it. I though Mrs. C**wder might blame the dirtiness on me.

There was a little girl in the kitchen. She climbed up on the counter and pulled down a huge blue dust bin. The little girl gave it to me. The dust bin was just as disgusting as everything else in the kitchen. I climbed back on the counter and tried to put it back in the place where it'd been been set. But it didn't stay, and it fell down into a huge hole in the counter top below where a lot of supplies were piled up. It was a little gross down there so I didn't bother trying to retrieve it. I think Mrs C**wder walked in then, and I walked out.

I went to the Fridge room. I think I went to get water, then I saw the single Sprite in one of the fridges. It took me a second to REMEMBER that I put the Sprite in there earlier that day. I decided that since it was night time I would leave the Sprite there until morning, then I would have it. I also noticed that someone put a whole thing of Sprite cans into one of the fridges. But I was more into plastic bottle sprites.

---

Like the previous dream, Quiz Bowl Consciousness, I'm writing this nearly a month after I had the dream, so my interpretation cannot do it justice. But I'll do my best.

Grace's church building was very surreal irl. It felt separate from the rest of the world and it felt very chill. I do remember getting in trouble with Grace's mom for venturing upstairs. I feel very embarrassed every time I get in trouble with someone's parents, so maybe that feeling seeped into the whole kitchen thing with Mrs. C**wder?

The dirty kitchen reminds me of that food poisoning dream set in my pizza in MY parents' dirty kitchen. I think the kitchen's dirtiness is very much connected to the constant mild discomfort I have with myself. It matches that feeling exactly. A kitchen is supposed to be a welcoming place that provides you food and comfort, but I didn't really want to touch anything in this kitchen. And I felt like I had to do something about it, but there was no way for me to do anything about it because the counters were too high for me to reach supplies (without CLIMBING, ugh), and all the supplies were mildly dirty anyways. When I look at myself, I see how bad I am at interacting with people, how much I don't want to bother, how much I never feel like doing anything, I never feel like talking, I try to get my conversations over with as quickly as possible, I try to be funny but I fail and make myself look socially inept, etc. A lot of things that are POSSIBLE to fix through intentional effort, but the problem is I don't want to take the effort. I don't want to go outside my comfort zone. Even though it's not something that should be THAT hard. It's just talking to people. And I don't have crippling social anxiety, so it really shouldn't be THAT hard to clean the dust pan and clean the kitchen. It's all dirty, but it's the sticky/slightly-stained/unwashed dishes kind of dirty, not the moldy/food-caked-on-everything kind of disgusting. So just. do it. Stop procrastinating.

^^^that paragraph was very free-written and I'm not reading back over it, so sorry that it's probably repetitive and hard to read. I was just jog my own understanding.

Not sure what's up with the Sprite or volleyball, but I have like 4 other old dreams to record, so I'll deem this an adequate place to stop.
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (dreams)
I dreamed that Mrs Laura was asking my class quiz bowl questions in a classroom setting. I believe it was my 11th grade english classroom, specifically. She asked a questions about an activist who got AIDS back in the day. Cameron correctly answered the question. It was clear that she knew what she was talking about and that no one else in the class [immediately] knew the answer.

I got very self conscious because I didn't want Cameron to think that I wasn't educated on LGTB activist history (even though I'm really not...).

Mrs. Laura then asked a 4-question bonus round about Bredon Urie. The question was something like, "what are four things Brendon Urie takes special interest in and donated money for the research thereof."

I immediately answered, "Divergence." I assume I was referring to the 'Divergence' as described in Veronica Roth's trilogy, but I'm not completely sure what dream-me meant by that.

Then it occurred to me: "Music."

Then either Wesley or me added, "Acting."

We couldn't thing of anything else. Mrs. Laura read the list, revealing that we forgot "agriculture."

---

I'm interpreting this a month after I dreamed it, so can't go in as much depth as I would if I interpreted this the morning after.

Anyways. I've been worried for ages that Cameron doesn't see me as 'queer enough' or educated on the history of my community. Which probably sounds stupid. And it is. But additionally I just always worry that Cameron thinks I'm way more ignorant than her about The World in general. So yeah, this dream was just a manifestation of that feeling.

wtf is up with patd/Brendon Urie showing up in all my dreams. I went to a patd concert in July 2016, and I've been listening to them a lot ever since (as one does). So I guess that part of my dream was just me processing my current obsession, if u will. anyways
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
I dreamed that two girls visited my house to spend the day with me. They were not people that I know irl, but I was chill with them in my dream i guess.

We went to the kitchen to eat. The kitchen was disgusting. There were dozens of cups, unclean dishes, pans, bags of chips, and whatever else my family likes to eat strewn about the counter tops/table.

The girls sat down at the kitchen island. Girl 1 asked me what I wanted for lunch, as if she was about to prepare lunch for me. And in my head I was like, 'uuhh, YOU'RE the guest. I should be asking you.' So I tried to think of a way to offer them the choice of sandwiches, pasta, or hotdogs for lunch (basically the only foods I know how to prepare) without making myself seem as disappointing and gross as the kitchen.

Suddenly, the two girls were replaced by my childhood best friend, Eowyn. We were still in the same situation- hanging out at home for the day and trying to decide what to eat for lunch- but now I was just with Eowyn instead of the two stranger girls.

My Mom and Dad entered the kitchen from the deck door. I could tell that my mom and dad were in a really annoyed, hard-to-deal-with mood, just by the looks on their faces and the way they were walking.

I tried to walk past my dad, and my dad was like, "Don't I get a hug before I go?"

So I gave him a very unenjoyable hug, then I asked him where he was going. I don't remember his reply.

A commercial came on TV. It was a movie trailer for a lesbian Brokeback Mountain movie, in which the two main characters were named Victoria and Bri (actually, the second girl had the same name as my little sister, but I call my little sister Bri on here, so I'll call the dream movie character 'Bri' as well). Weird.

After my dad left the kitchen, Mom asked me, "You're going to CiCi's Pizza for lunch right?"

I was like, "no?? I wasn't planning on it?" CiCi's isn't great.

Then my mom (who was in a very bad mood, I remind you), was like, "no you definitely said CiCi's D:"

I never remembered asking to go ANYWHERE for lunch, but I replied, "Maybe I said Eureka Pizza??" Eureka Pizza is pretty shitty too, but it would be more sufferable to eat Eureka with Eowyn than it would be to eat CiCi's.

Suddenly there was a Eureka Pizza pie on the kitchen Island. I sat on one of the stools, and Eowyn stood across from me. She was bent over the pie, pouring come sort of powder over one section of the cheese pizza. Then she used her bare fingers to work the powder into the cheese. Eowyn chatted relentlessly (as usual) while she performed this strange, gross task. She explained that this powder was naturally toxic, and it often poisons you if you don't use it correctly. She'd even been poisoned before! However, if you DO use it correctly, the powder is pretty good for you. Eowyn's logic was purely cost-vs-benefit, the cost being probable food poisoning and the benefit being that it had the potential to be friendly to your body.

As I watched Maren dig the powder into the cheese with her bare fingers, I thought to myself, 'uuuhhhh this is NOT worth iiit. for ANY reason.'

Maren also chatted away about how she hated 'diamond blenders' (meaning a food blender with diamond blades?) because she can't stand it when diamonds get in her food.

---

Dream Meaning

For one thing, my Mom and Dad were in a very bad mood the day before I had this dream. My dad was upset that the kitchen was a mess. My mom came upstairs and told us that Dad was at the point of breaking things because he was so upset.

And I in my head I was like, 'uuhh if he's srsly at the point of breaking dishes, then that is HIS issue that he has to deal with. That is not your fault orour fault or the kitchen's fault. It's his fault. You can ask us to keep the kitchen cleaner without using dad's violence to threaten us. That. Is not healthy. wtf.'

After several conversations with my parents yesterday, I was crying alone in my room. I felt so trapped. Like I just didn't want to live this way anymore. My whole life felt like a dirty kitchen and I didn't have the energy or means to clean it out.

That's probably why the dirty kitchen appeared in my dream. That's probably why Mom and Dad were in disagreeable moods in my dream. That's probably why my whole dream was underscored by that same icky, trapped feeling.

When dream dad asked me to hug him, I was like DD: I don't like it when my dad touches me. I don't like it when he walks past me and feels the need to put his hand on my back. I don't like any of it. I don't like it when people touch me in general, but especially when my dad does it. I'm not trying to be mean; that's just the way it is for me. This moment added to the general element of disgust and discomfort that accentuated my entire dream.

The lesbian brokeback mountain trailer was a manifestation of my fear that my parents will figure out I'm queer. Anytime I watch something on TV irl, I feel VERY uncomfortable, because my parents constantly walk passed the room, and I always sense their judgement. And this lesbian Brokeback Mountain trailer was on our television, and main characters shared names with me and my little sister (Victoria & Bri). This aspect of my dream obviously correlates with my fear that my parents will observe my life and connect the dots, and realize that I'm queer.

But I think the part of my dream with Eowyn and the toxic powder was the most interesting. Eowyn's logic was that probable food poisoning was worth the risk, if it meant the possibility of consuming something vaguely healthy. I mean, she even said that the powder is USUALLY toxic. but occasionally it isn't. So it's worth it.

fuck no.

Where am I allowing toxic shit to enter my life and my thoughts? What types of faulty logic do I need to let go of? STuff to think about

---

TLDR: I dreamed the kitchen was gross, my parents were acting gross, and my best friend was poisoning our pizza; I dreamed this because I feel gross and trapped, and because I'm afraid of coming out, and because I'm not dealing with certain aspects of my life in a healthy way
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
I don't remember the chronology of my dream; I only remember snippets of various situations with various characters.

At one point, I dreamed that the Haikyuu characters from Aoba Josai were practicing plays for their upcoming volleyball tournament. This impending tournament would be their seniors' last, so they were working especially hard to prepare. Yahaba and Iwaizumi planned out a play where Yahaba would jump onto Iwaizumi's back (piggy back style) to spike the ball over the net. I thought to myself, it's counterproductive for Yahaba to jump on Iwaizumi's back. He should just jump like normal so he can get more height. But Yahaba and Iwa proved that their method was higher. I was suprised, and I didn't understand.

I also dreamed I explored a haunted house.(This dream is very very hazy). The haunted house was a public attraction in the basement of a very large building. You just descended into the house's hallway and explored the various rooms attached to the hall. An old man stood out in the hallway, ready to assist people that may have questions/etc, but I don't know why anyone would even need his assistance. It was very chill and not scary; the rooms were just dark (a greeny sort of dark, for visual), and they had a lot of interesting, discarded object laying around like dolls or old arcade machines. In my dream, I walked into a couple of the bedrooms. I remember one door wouldn't open for me, and the old man said something to me that I don't remember at all.

In the next segment of my dream, my school had turned into a fortress, a castle. It still looked like my school always looks, but it was somehow simultaneously a fortress. And there was a battle going on. I was fighting in the battle, and so were most of the people who attend my school, but I have know idea who we were fighting against.

During the battle, my friends and I were in a Group with one adult mother-like figure. She was large, and she knew what was going on, and was there to protect us. But there was a moment when our army needed to send one regiment to the front lines to face the enemy head on; it was essential in order to defeat the enemy. My friend Cameron was picked to be part of that regiment. They headed out quickly. Our mother figure told us that Cameron was probably going to die.

Then we waited. We waited for Cameron and her regiment to do whatever they set out to do. Our mother figure had her arms around us as we all huddled between two walls on the side of the school building, safe from danger. She was quietly counting down seconds- like seconds toward an explosion- and we all knew she was counting seconds towards The Moment. The Moment when Cameron would either live or die and her regiment would either succeed or fail. When our mother figure got down to ten seconds, I thought to myself, surely Cameron isn't going to die. Surely that wasn't my last time seeing her, but at the same time I knew that it was.

Out mother figure reached zero. There was an explosion in the parking lot on the front side of the building. We ran to the parking lot. Cameron wasn't there. She had died.

The Enemy wasn't there either. We had won.

But what were we going to tell Cameron's mom when she came to pick Cameron up from school?

Suddenly, Cameron was with us. She was just suddenly there with us on the parking lot. But it wasn't the same Cameron who had died. She told us that she came from an alternate universe so that we didn't have to mourn her death; she'd just live out the rest of her life in this universe, and we'd go on like nothing ever happened.

He mom had arrived and was waiting at the end of the parking lot for Cameron to get in the car. WE walked Cameron to her car, and I wondered if she would ever tell her mom that the version of herself from this universe had died. In my stomach, I still felt very very unsettled knowing that in some alternate universe, Cameron was still gone and there we were still mourning her loss. I didn't feel happy. I didn't know how to feel.

I also dreamed of my mom giving me driving instructions. She told me that I always HAVE to wear sunglasses when I drive a car. If I don't, the sun will reflect on the road, and light will come at me like a wall, blinding me.

Then I dreamed I was at a Smosh conecert. I do not know what 'Smosh" is. I feel like they're youtubers, not a band. But I'm not sure. In my dream they were a punk band. but they were the type of punk band that nobody actually thinks is cool except 30 yo white guys who are oblivious to Life. My friend Grace complained to me about her brother going to the Smosh concert/him liking Smosh/etc (I did indeed see her brother while I was briefly present at the smosh concert).

Also I should add that this 'Smosh concert' was set up like a little kids sunday school class. like there were a total of about 30 blue plastic chairs in a yellow-ish church room, and Smosh was performing at the front.

Then I dreamed I was in the foyer at my house ( the little area between the front door, the TV area, and the kitchen). The kitchen chairs were all placed out by the TV area couches where mom always puts them when she's cleaning the kitchen floor. Cameron and Grace were sitting by the pinao. Fall Out Boy and Twenty One Pilots and a red headed man named Tyler were sitting in the kitchen chairs. Tyler Oakly was standing by my fridge, eating. Another band was sitting on the stairs.

I had a pack of t shirts. Anyone who I gave a t shirt to would get to perform at the upcoming festival. If I didn't hand them a t shirt, then they would not get to perform. As I handed out the t shirts, I conversed & joked around with the band members, but the entire time I was very self-concious of Cameron and Grace listening to my conversation

---

Dream Meaning

I love Haikyuu and I read/watch/think about it a lot for fun, so I'm not at all surprised that I dreamed about them. My most prominent feeling during this part of the dream was confusion. I didn't understand how Yahaba and Iwaizumi could work together that way and still play efficiently. I was also nervous that they were wasting too much time practicing a play that wouldn't work in a real match. They only had so many hours to prepare for the seniors' final tournament, so why not perfect their usual plays instead of trying to invent new plays that may not work? It was nerve-warcking.

This is a similar emotion that I have towards my art as I prepare for National Portfolio Day in October. Every single time I sit down to draw, I'm terrified that my work will turn out horribly, and that I'll have spent hours and hours and hours working on something that just isn't good enough.
So that's shitty I guess. But in my dream, Yahaba and Iwaizumi proved that their play worked. It actually did make them jump higher. So I just have to keep drawing. Whether my drawings are good or bad, I need them for my portfolio. They're the only way I'm gonna get into my preferred colleges, so I have to have more faith in myself when I sit down to draw.

I think houses/unfamiliar rooms/haunted houses traditionally symbolize repressed emotions or fears or something. But this part of my dream is so hazy that I don't know if I can pull anything from it. I'm not even gonna try because the other parts of my dream are more interesting.

The battle was the most interesting and vivid part of my dream. I wish it was easier to understand. Most of my dreams are defined by feelings of vulnerability, but I don't remember feeling particularly vulnerable in this part of my dream. On the contrary, I had a mother-figure who was looking out for me. I hope this means that I'm being looked after/guarded on the spiritual plane.

The school was probably a fortress bc a school is supposed to be a place where you are safe. (even though I feel very uncomfortable at my evangelical school, bc I am queer, I am not a christian, and that's obviously a BIG problem to them. Maybe this battle was a manifestation of that conflict within me).

I suppose the most prominent feeling I felt during this battle was helplessness. It's similar to vulnerability but definitely not the same thing. Vulnerability means you feel like you're at the mercy of others; you can't help your self. Helplessness means you feel you have no control over a situation, whether it's an inability to help yourself or others. In this case, I couldn't save Cameron from dying. The event was happening remotely from me and there was nothing I could do about it. I also couldn't do anything about alternate universe that now lacked a living Cameron. I also had no control over how Cameron's mom would feel about the entire situation.

All of this was happening in Cameron's personal life. it was outside of my control. It probably wasn't even my business.

TBH that's the way I feel about Cameron irl too. I feel like she has a lot going on in her personal life that I don't know about, that I shouldn't know about, and that I can't help her with. I hope she ends up ok.

Maybe that whole section of the dream was just about my feelings toward Cameron. idk. I liked the mother-figure. She told me the truth and she protected me. I hope she's still protecting me (?)

The whole band/t shirt part of the dream happened bc Grace and Cameron have been talking a lot about music and concerts in my presence lately. And I'm insecure about my music tastes in general (I SHOULD ADD THAT I DON'T EVEN REALLY LIKE FOB OR 21 PILOTS THAT MUCH. I DON'T KNOW WHO SMOSH IS. I KNOW WHO TYLER OAKLY IS BUT I DON'T CARE(??) ABOUT HIM(?)) just wanted to add that as a disclaimer. idk y they were in my dream. But yeah, I'm insecure about the music I listen to, and this was just a manifestaion of that feeling.

---

TLDR: I dreamed about Haikyuu characters, haunted houses, my friend dying in battle, and giving t shirts to random bands; my dream manifested feelings of nervousness (about my art portfolio), feelings of helplessness (in my friends' lives), and feelings of insecurity (about the music I listen to).
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
I dreamed I was going to Silver Dollar City with my sisters and cousins. Before entering the amusement park, we sat down for a while in a weird, white, tunnel-like waiting room. While we sat there, I bragged to my family that I'd spent so much time at SDC in the past, that I'd memorized where all the rides were. I didn't even need a map. so impressive imao (Though, In my head, I actually wasn't 100% confident that I actually had memorized the SDC terrain; I wasn't intentionally lying my sister/cousins, but deep inside me i was questioning myself. but I was also ignoring the fact that i was questioning myself. idk. probably doesn't make sense)

Then my dream changed, and I think I was at my cousin Gigi's house. My sisters Leah and Alexa were there, and the three of us were getting ready to go to a Mariah Carey concert. I informed my 13yo brother, James, that the 3 of us were going to the MC concert. He suddenly got all smug and acted like he knew something I didn't know. I didn't try to figure out what was up.

The scene changed, and I was in a large field with Leah and Alexa. People were pouring into this field, all headed toward the far end where the concert stage was. Leah, Alexa, and I were relatively close to the front of the concert-going crowd, so we were destined to land reasonable seats near the front of the lawn. Indeed, we stopped walking when we were as close to the stage as we were possibly gonna get in this crowd, and I thought to myself, ehh this isn't bad. now lets focus on making sure nobody tries to crowd us out of our seats.

Then, to my mild horror, Leah and Alexa apparently changed their minds cause they got up and started walking away to find different seats. In my head I was like, guys it's not gonna get better than this; what r u doing??. But I ran after them because I wasn't about to be left on my own.

When I turned to follow them, I suddenly wasn't in the field anymore. It was still a Mariah Carey concert, and people were still pouring into the venue, but now the concert was in my school auditorium. And the concert-goers were now seating themselves in our school's red cushion chairs, facing the stage. During my dream, this change didn't really register with me. I just went with the flow and focused on running after my sisters.

That's when I saw my brother James seated all by himself at the end of one row. He was in a decent location, so I quickly sat down beside him and was like, "James! I didn't know u were coming to this concert." (that explained his smug reaction when I'd told him that Leah, Alexa, and I were going). I added, "I do not know any Mariah Carey songs, so I wonder how this is gonna go."

While I talked with James, a mother & father & daughter walked up onto the stage with their arms over each other's shoulder, as if protecting each other. The stage was emitting tiny fireworks- little explosions, each the size of a quarter- and the family was trying not to get hit by these fireworks. I don't know what that family was trying to achieve in the long run by mounting the stage, but in my dream I semi-understood that the family was helping to set up the Show, and the fireworks were to help people get excited before the show. But man that family looked scared.

While I waited for Mariah to come on, I had the sudden urge to go on the computer. So, I stood up and walked over to the right-side wall of the gymnasium. The concert venue changed AGAIN, and now I was in 'the playroom' ('the playroom' is what our family calls the media room where our family computer is set up). All the concert goers were still in their seats, except now they were in a much smaller room, and now they were facing the projector wall in our media room instead of the stage in my school's gymnasium. And, again, I did not resister the change; I just went with the flow and went on the computer, and I didn't even think about the room changing.

I clicked on a youtube video, and while I waited for it to load, it occurred to me that I didn't want anyone in the room to hear me watching the youtube video. People would look at me. And that would be embarrassing. So I turned down the volume. The volume bar decreased until it indicated that the computer's sound was muted. But deep in my stomach I just knew that the video's sound was gonna play anyways. Sure enough, the video started playing, and the sound came out at a reasonable volume. I frantically tried to ex out of safari, but safari wouldn't close. I tried to change my user, but the user wouldn't change. I tried to turn off the computer, but the computer wouldn't turn off. And it wasn't like a normal computer bug where the screen freezes up or the none of the buttons are clickable. I could CLICK the buttons & they'd respond to my cursor, but they wouldn't perform their functions. Nothing would close or turn off. I was freaking out because people were starting to look at me. finally I just reached over and pulled the computer's plug. I was so embarrassed.

---

Dream Meaning

UGH most of my dreams are very clearly manifestations of feeling or things that happen in my day-to-day life. And when I wake up I can usually make immediate connections. BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WITH THIS ONE. It's such a weird dream. I'll do my best to figure it out though.

I'll start by listing notable moments, or moments that had feelings attached to them:
-bragging about knowing my way around SDC
-not wanting my sisters to change seats and lose the decent seats we already had
-being concerned that I wouldn't enjoy the concert bc I don't know any Mariah Carey music (i srsly can't even name one song she's ever written/sang. I just know her name).
-the volume not turning down, the computer not doing what I was telling it to do despite appearing to be fully functional. Finally pulling the plug on it.
-I didn't really have a lot of feelings about the family on the stage with the mini fireworks, but I guess that's a prominent visual image.
-also wtf was up with the shrinking concert venue??
-is it important that I was with Leah and Alexa? with James?

First of all, SDC is a place I've been to twice (both times for school field trips). I do NOT know my way around SDC irl, but i did indeed do a lot of walking there (which is a sensational memory that occurred during that part of my dream, and it was the reason I was so convinced that I knew my way around). Even in my dream, I couldn't actually recall knowing where everything was; I just remembered that I'd spent so much time walking, so I ASSUMED i had enough SDC experience to know my way around. With that sensation in mind, it would make sense that this part of my dream represents my current feelings about life: right now I'm super worried about getting accepted into a good art college, being able to pay for said art college, having my portfolio ready to apply for said art college, etc. I keep trying to convince myself that I know what I'm doing just because I'm good at art and I have resources at my finger tips and surely everything will work out bc everything in my life has worked out up till now. I say I know what I'm doing, but deep down there's this sense of uncertainty that I can't shake. That's the same feeling that the first part of my dream carried.

As far as the lawn seats go, I get feeling like that a lot. Anytime I get something good, I'm always very worried that it will be taken away from me or something will happen to make it less enjoyable. For instance, in my first day of Painting Class this semester, I claimed my usual seat from part years and I was very happy that no one took it from me. But a bunch of freshman came and sat down beside me. And I got the same disappointed/desperate feeling i got in my stomach when Leah and Alexa got up to move in my dream. It was like I got something good but there was someone always had to mess it up. Also, considering that Leah and Alexa were part of this segment of my dream, I think this win/loss feeling is directly related to IRL Leah & Alexa moving away to college. Ever since they moved out, I now have my own bedroom (for the first time in my life I have my own bedroom wtf!!!!!!!!!). But Leah and Alexa are my best friends. I talk to them about everything. So,,,,, I got something good (my own room; solitude' peace' happiness), but at what cost (not having the two most stable people in my life here to chat with me every single day).

^^That's just a guess tbh. I think it's a good guess, but like i said I can't detect any clear meanings in this dream like I usually can. It's so weird?? wtf

I'm most curious about the shrinking concert. The venue went from a giant field to a gymnasium to a media room with a projection screen. I'm not sure if this actually has meaning, or if the venue was just a means to put different meaningful situations in my dream. Like the field gave me my experience with my sisters. The gymnasium gave me my experience with my smug lil brother. the computer room gave me the experience with the computer. Whatever it was, it's important that there was a large crowd in every single venue. In the field, the crowd meant competition and people who might steal my seat. in the media room, the crowd was people who could intrude upon the personal information on my computer.

I'll finish this fail interpretation attempt with the non-functioning dream computer: the computer represents me feeling vulnerable- like people are gonna find out things about me that I don't want them to know or misinterpret, and feeling like there's nothing I can do about it. Vulnerability and powerlessness are the two most reoccurring subjects in my dreams.

time to pull the plug :P

I'm not even gonna bother putting a TLDR on this. It wasn't coherent and I have homework to finish. wtf am I doing. sorry that I'm so bad at writing dreams. It's hard :///
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
Disclaimer: it's 1:11 in the morning and I don't have the energy to revise this dream. I didn't even read back thru it, so it'll be poorly written until I get around to editing it.

---

I don't remember most of my dream last night, but I do remember one scene: Basically, my art teacher had sent home a 'terms & conditions' type document that all art students had to sign before they took her class. And you know how most high school teachers will shorten their syllabus down to one or two comprehensive pages? yeah nO, this document was at least five pages long, and it was just a list of rules we had to abide by in the art room.

So I sat on my bed at home and [quickly] skimmed the pages as I flipped through the packet. Now, I've attended Mrs. Art's art classes for 2 years, so i figured I already knew the rules- all the basic 'don't talk when the teacher is talking', 'don't work on other class's homework in art class','cutting/carving tools don't leave the art room', etc. I knew what Mrs. Art expected of us.

But then one of points on the last page caught my eye. I immediately felt sick to my stomach.

The point was worded something like, 'This school and art class wants to uphold biblical values and prepare its students to confront the secular world they live in. The world does it's best to distort the clear differences God made between men and women. Therefore, all art students will do their best accentuate feminine and masculine physical features accordingly in any human figures they draw.'

I felt very singled out, like I'd been caught red-handed. I am a very very queer person, and I love for my art to reflect myself and the things that I think about, but this rule was going to restrict the freedom of my content. I know Mrs. Art and the school staff weren't intentionally aiming that point at me (bc they think I'm str8), but I still felt singled out and a little scared.

---

Dream Meaning

So, I know why I had this dream. I'm an art aid for Mrs. Art during one of my free periods. And on my first day assisting her, she asked me to research an art showcase that our school was invited to participate in.

She said, "When you have free time, could you research this art festival called 'Tell Your Story?' It's in [nearby town], and this is the first year that we've been invited to it, and I know nothing about it. tbh I'm worried that it might be a transgender thing. It looks preeetty sketchy to me, so just research it and tell me what it's all about."

The second she said 'I think it's a transgender thing' I filled with fear and got sick to my stomach. The exact same feeling I got when I read the bullet point in my dream. Because Mrs. Art is one of the most important people in the world to me. But I know she can never love the real me :( (I'm not out to her)

I've also been trying to come up with original art pieces for my portfolio. Most of my ideas rn have to do with criticizing the evangelicalism, discussing my personal [non-christian] spirituality, and just talking about how I feel about Life & the world (including gender and queer stuff). Of course, I always have to make them cryptic enough to prevent Mrs. Art from understanding the real meanings; I do go to an evangelical school after all.

But let's say I'm painting a picture that has angels in it, or other clearly biblical themes; Mrs. Art is inevitably going to ask what the painting symbolizes. What do I tell her then?? I don't want to lie about my art. art is the most important thing to me, I don't want to lie about it. This is a dilemma I've been struggling with a lot lately as I plan out my art ideas for this semester. This feeling manifested itself in my dream at the part when I was like, 'aaaa this rule makes me feel so restricted! IWhy can't I make the content I want to make!'

---

TLDR: I dreamed that my art teacher made a rule against drawing androgynous character. I had this dream because of a transphobic comment my art teacher made two days prior, and I had this dream because I'm having trouble coming up with art pieces that are acceptable at an evangelical school in the Bible Belt.
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
I dreamed that I was planning on going to a 'concert' with my friends. I put quotations around concert because this impending event was more of a 'white-29-year-old-youth-pastors-trying-to-appeal-to the-youth-via-pop-music-and-fruit-punch.' My friends and I were all just going as an excuse to hang out outside of school. I also planned to bake some snickerdoodle muffins to bring for my friends :)

Anyways, a few days before the concert, I was sitting at our family computer thinkin about the snickerdoodle muffins and such. That's when my mom came in, and in her signature apologetic voice informed me that we didn't really have adequate ingredients to make propersnickerdoodle muffins. She said that ALL of our white flour and sugar was mixed together in one giant container, so I wouldn't be able to measure the proper quantity of either ingredient.

I followed my mom down to the kitchen and asked why we couldn't just go to the store to get more flour and sugar. She was like, 'noo we can't do thaat.'

And in my head I reasoned, what's the point of bringing my friends snickerdoodle muffins if they're not even going to cook/taste right?. So I told my mom 'then I"m just not gonna make the muffins. If there any other baked good I can make with the ingredients we DO have?'

My mom got soo upset with me. She was like, 'You just don't want to make the snickerdoodle muffins because you don't want your dad to have any! You're father is not being invasive- all he wants are a few muffins! he does so much to provide for you and this is how you act!'

My dream switched to me thinking about whether I even wanted to go to this concert or not. It sounded kind of boring and too-social for me. Plus I hate any element of adults catering to their idea of what the kids think is cool and hip. Which that's basically all this concert was gonna be. So I asked my friends if they still planned on going, and they were like 'yaa.' My dream ended before I decided to go or not.

---

Dream Meaning

My mom always assumes we're angry at her. She always talks to us like she's failed us and like she knows she's failed us and like she just doesn't want us to be angry at her. WHY? I'm not angry at her. I'm not even an angry or mean person? And I'm really go-with-the-flow and flexible. Like, if there's a problem/delay/etc I'll make it work. It's no big deal, it never is. Her apologetic tone of voice is always more infuriating than whatever she feels like she needs to apologize for.? idk. BUt she's been using that tone a lot lately. It makes me feel guilty and also guilt-tripped.

Secondly, my mom always uses dad as an excuse. Whenever she has an opinion- about ANYTHING- she justifies it using dad. She's always like, 'Your father thinks..' or 'DAD wants you to [fill-in-the-blank]', and my sisters and I are always like, 'no, YOU think that, and YOU want us to do that, and if dad feels that way HE should be telling us not you. (we say that amongst ourselves, we don't say that TO her).

I'm not trying to speak badly about my mom. I love her, and I just want her to be happy, because I sense that she isn't happy. I sense that she feels like she's not allowed to respect her own feelings, and that she puts everyone else's feelings ahead of hers. Then she gets angry when no one seems grateful for her doing so. BUT, I really wish she'd just do what she wants more, instead of always putting everyone else's interests ahead of hers. She deserves to live her own life, not everyone else's life. It makes me sad, because I know she is sad and lonely and she doesn't know what to do about it. :(

So yeah, this dream was a manifestation of my mom's energy.

It was also a manifestation of my efforts to hang out with my friends and please them. I want to be closer with them, because I always feel on the outside (it's my fault, not their's; it's just the way I am). I suppose the mixed flour and sugar represented my seemingly irreversible relationship insecurities. Those insecurities that I WANT to overcome, but I have no idea how, as I've never succeeded yet in my life.

There's probably a lot more I can pull from this dream, but it's late right now, and I'm going to bed. too bad.. :/ (I'm not even proofreading)

---

TLDR: I dreamed I didn't have the ingredients to make muffins for my friends, and my mom was very upset with me. This dream represented my relationship insecurities (with my mother and friends)
victoriarch: screencap of Haruhi Fujioka with the sunset behind him (Default)
Card 1: How you feel about yourself

The Sun

You are feeling abundantly happy and joyful - if you don't, be assured that you are about to enter a period of success and fulfillment.

This is a time of pleasure, vitality and good health, travel and holidays to be enjoyed. Good news around children or the conception of a longed-for baby.

The Sun heralds an ending to difficulties and a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones.

Card 2: What you want most right now

The Hierophant

Tight now you want to have someone around you that you can trust and confide in, knowing that they won't let you down.

There are moral issues here, knowing right from wrong, and you may feel that you need some advice of wise counsel from a teacher, priest, parent or someone that you have a lot of respect for, in order to help you make the right decision.

Card 3: Your fears

The Moon

Lies and insecurity are likely to be prominent in your life at the moment - you are afraid of being deceived and feel that you are being misled. Trust your instincts and let them guide you away from those who may seem charming but are only our for their own gains.

Your turbulent emotions are muddying that waters - step back and try to find clarity of mind although this may seem difficult. The Moon does help to illuminate the way and don't worry, it will turn out all right in the end.

Card 4: What is going for you

The Chariot

Drive, drive, drive, that's what's going for you. You certainly aren't a quitter.

The appearance of the Chariot tells of conflicts ending in victory, so don't give up. Battle on and you will succeed.

This is a time of movement and change. Expect a journey relating to work, and if you've had your eye on that car, it will soon be yours.

Card 5: What is going against you

The Empress

There are conflicts around you, frustrations and possibly a breakup in a relationship.

Be careful not to overreact and become too protective or dictatorial about your needs and whatever you do, do not resort to emotional blackmail - it won't do you any favors.

You may be experiencing infertility problems or an unplanned pregnancy. If so just know that there are people around you who love and care for you and will provide support.

Card 6: The likely outcome

The High Priestess

Your intuitive powers are at their height at this moment in time; only by listening carefully and trusting them completely can you embrace that power.

Do this and you will make strong, clear, self-assured decisions.

Allow for flexibility and expect promising outcomes.

---

Card 1 application: accurate :) I've been feeling relatively happy lately. I also feel like I'm entering a new phase of my life, spiritually and artistically.

Card 2 application: Yeah; more specifically, I want to be able to trust and confide in the people I'm already around. I want to be able to be honest with my friends and family about who I am, what I want, how I feel, etc. Additionally, I'm concerned that I won't have an outlet for my thoughts now that my two older sisters are leaving for college. And of course, I wish my parents would be more supportive this 'figuring-shit-out' period that I'm currently going through. Because right now I don't feel like I can trust them or talk to them or turn to them for support.

Card 3 application: 'Lies & insecurities,' meaning I feel like I can't be honest about who I am, what I want, how I feel, etc. And it's difficult to address that or change when everyone expects certain things from you. But I don't want to be dishonest anymore. I'm also worried about my future as an artist. I have no guidance when it comes to applying for art colleges, and I don't know what's expected of me. I'm worried that my ignorance and isolation is cheating me out of the easiest possible art career/college paths.

Card 4 application: True.

Card 5 application: Well, my sisters are leaving for college. That's rough for me. And I've always been protective about my spiritual life & art, because those are the two most important things to me, and being open&honest leaves me feeling uncomfortably vulnerable. I'm getting to a better place though. I'm learning to be chiller- less dictatorial.

Card 6 application: I need to stop being so worried about my art. I just need to do my best, work hard, and know that I'll get to where I need to be eventually.

reading from free-tarot-reading.net

~Aug 16, 2016~

---

disclaimer: I'm writing this late the night before my first day of school, and I'm not bothering to proofread it, so sorry that it's awkwardly written.
victoriarch: screencap of Haruhi Fujioka with the sunset behind him (Default)
I had such a great summer. I'm making a list of some highlights to look back on.

The first weekend of summer, I went to Russellville, AR with five of my friends. My friend Liz has a family cabin in the woods down there, and we spent the weekend riding four wheelers, playing card games, and eating a lot of food (before we went, we stopped at Walmart and loaded up Liz's dad's car with junk food). I can't think of a better way to start the summer, than repeatedly stranding your four wheelers on woodland trails and Liz to having to save all four of you. Liz is a real hero. At one point I made a flower crown out of the white flowers in a nearby field. The crown got passed around throughout the day, and I have pictures of all of my friends in it at some point during the weekend. That makes me happy. On the way home, we stopped at the Burger Barn, which was an extremely interesting little place. It was just a small red 'barn' that served burgers, but the barn & the entire property was covered in carved wooden statues and bird houses and wind chimes and weird benches and hand made pieces of art. And there were cats creeping around the place. It was just a cool and surreal location. This entire trip was so surreal and unlike anything I've ever done.

The next weekend, my quizbowl team and I left for the National Quiz Bowl tournament in New Orleans. I was so worried that the national tournament questions would be far more difficult than the questions my team was accustomed to, but we ended up performing pretty decently, and we won half of our games. We got to walk around the city; and I've gotta say, New Orleans is such a chill place soo unlike New York or Chicago or Boston or any other big city I've been to. The Pizza was great, the Cajun food was great, and I got to spend a lot of time walking & talking with my art teacher, who is one of my favorite people in the world.

We visited my granparents in PA. I went to their church and it was srsly the kindest, most peaceful church I’ve ever been to, and my granparents were so excited to introduce us to their friends. Afterwards we went to the Eastern University campus to walk around and took aesthetic™ photos and funny videos of geese. That afternoon we walked to the park we used to play at when we were little. My sisters and I swung on the swings and talked, and the weather was ubelievably amazing, and I felt so good. My grandmom gave me a set of 30 unused watercolor paint tubes.

I spent fourth of July with my New Jersey family. We went to a giant family/friend barbecue at my Aunt's house, and we played volleyball and wiffle ball, and we lit sparklers and set off fireworks (which was VERY scary because the fireworks were not going high above the ground). The next day (on the real 4th) we had ANOTHER barbecue at my cousin's house. Her husband is an amazing cook. Her kids & my sister put together a little cheerleading routine that they performed for the entire family. It was adorable. We had s'mores and watched fireworks from the street in front of their house.

We went to NYC with my cousin and her husband and kids and parents. My sister and I spent 3 hours in the Met (not enough time!). I listened to the 1975′s ‘I Like it When You Sleep..’ album while I walked through entire rooms of Monet and Van Gogh Paintings. holy shit. There was a giant sunlit hall of Roman sculptures, and I saw two girls kiss there, and I cried because I was so happy that they seemed so happy and that they got such a picturesque moment together in such a beautiful part of the museum. We stopped at the American Girl store for my cousin’s daughter, and she convinced her grandmom to basically buy her the entire store lmao. We walked through Grand Central Station and went to and from the city on the Stanton Island Ferry. I’m so happy. So much more happened that day, and I want t ocry just thinking about what a good day was.

I went to the P!ATD/Weezer Concert!!! They came to my home town! Several friends and I got goood seats on the lawn. Andrew McMahon In The Wilderness opened for P!ATD, and Mister McMahon himselff elbowed me in the head while he shimmied thru the lawn during a song, what an honor. And the concert was just AMAZING??? LIke I’ve seen videos online of concerts and always felt like ‘meh whatv O.K. fun times’, but it’s so different and so much better in person????? Plus Panic is one of my favorites and knew all their songs and they’re aRE SO GOOD LIVE AND I WAZ SEEING THEM WITH MY OWN EYES AND EARRS. f uck. It was. a dreeeaam come true. And I thought seeing Panic live would satisfy my addiction, but I've been listening to them twice as obsessively ever since.

I also have had sO much fun spending time with my friends Liz & Kenna this summer. Liz and I went to a little pizza place together, and the next week all three of us decided to go out for Thai food. Afterwards we were like, 'Uhh I've got nothin planned, do you guys wanna do something else?' So we went biking on our town trails. Which was a blast. And also very hot. VERY. HOt. So then we got sonic drinks during happy hour. And I was like, 'Wanna come to my house and swim?' So they came over and swam and we just talked in the pool for hours about life and college and etc. A few days later, on the last friday of summer, we spent the night at Liz's house. We watched Paranorman, Star Gate, and we marathoned all eight episodes of Stranger Things until 7:30 in the morning. We only meant to watch one episode, but we watched the entire show. I enjoyed it so much. I loved hanging out with them; It was such a good way to spend my time.

I've also gone to the library a lot this summer, gone to figure drawing classes, and hung out with friends more than I ever have during past summers. I feel so lucky, and I feel happier than I've ever been. I do hope I can keep this momentum going as I start my last year of high school this week.
victoriarch: screencap of Haruhi Fujioka with the sunset behind him (Default)
I feel like, spiritually, I'm at a really nice place in my life. I don't think I've ever been more at peace with myself and my circumstances. I don't feel like I'm 'Enlightened' or anything like that, but at least I no longer constantly condemn myself or rely on other people to dictate my personal spirituality. At least my spirituality is a source of peace, not a source of fear like it used to be.

I just hope I can keep this momentum going as the next school years starts. I just want to keep growing into a happier, healthier version of myself. I want to stop trying to meet other people's expectations, and instead just do what works for me. I hope this year I make peace with all the decisions, people, and circumstances that come my way.
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (dreams)
I dreamed that my friend Liz was driving me home. Liz is a very good driver in real life, but in my dream she was rubbing against cars as we pulled out of the parking lot, and we had several near-collisions as we merged onto the highway. I was.. very scared.

At some point, I insisted that I drive instead, and our roles were switched; I was now sitting in the drivers seat navigating the car.

It's worth mentioning that I don't have my driver's license yet irl, and I've only ever practiced driving ONCE with my dad. So when I suddenly had the steering wheel in my hands, I had no idea how to keep this car in the center of our lane. Within seconds, I veered off the side of the road, just as we were nearing a lil bridge with another street passing under it. Liz screamed, a random man sitting in the back of our car screamed, I was like 'so this is how I'm going to die, as our car crashed straight down towards the road underneath the bridge.

BUT, we were lucky. There happened to be no cars passing under the bridge at the exact moment we crashed. The cars that were approaching safely slowed to halt. Granted, irl we probably still would have died from the crash, but in my dream all three of us emerged from the car unscathed. And went to the sidewalk on the side of the road.

Then we realized that the drivers probably didn't appreciate us leaving our wrecked car in the middle of the street where they can't pass, so Liz & the stranger & I worked together to pick up the car and place it on the sidewalk. The traffic then proceeded.

'We have to get out of here,' I said. We had to get out from under this tunnel and find the police & do whatever you do when you're in a car accident. ?

"Wait,' said the stranger adult man (who'd mysteriously appeared in our car while I was driving), 'We have to leave a gift here so that the police go easy on us.'

'What gift can we leave? What do you mean by that?' I asked.

I looked over and saw Liz making a giant flower chain out of weeds that were growing alongside the road outside the tunnel.

She said, 'I'm making a flower crown for the tunnel.'

We joined in and helped her drape the incredible long flower crown from the tunnel rafters. Then we left.

---

Dream Meaning

A few days ago, I spent the day with Liz, and she drove me around in her car. That's why I dreamed about her, specifically, driving me home in my dream.

A few days ago, I also tried driving with my dad for the first time. I don't yet understand how much control I have over the car's tires via the steering wheel, so it was very difficult to stay in the center of my lane.

When Liz and I were out together, I talked to her about my first time driving with my dad. So mind had easy access to this story/topic when I fell asleep last night.

This dream, more or less, represents my desire to have control over my life. It shows that I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, and that I need/want help from older and more experienced people who DO know what they're doing. This is probably specifically related to me choosing the art college I want to go to next year.

I"m not sure what the flowers represent. We were making the flower chain so that the police would be less angry at us when they found out how badly I'd fucked up driving Liz's car. It could represent how I feel like my parents aren't giving me & my sisters the space we need to figure life out & make mistakes. They have a specific narrative in their head about hOW kids are supposed to pick their college, then go to college, then get a job, etc, etc ,etc, and they get mad at my sisters and I whenever we suggest ''''''untraditional''''''''''' routes (anything that doesn't adhere to their preconceived narratives, even if it IS common route). It just makes me feel like I can't mistakes and that I have to have myself figured out before the fact instead of after the fact. Anyways.

---

TLDR: I dreamed I thought I could drive better than my friend, but I ended up crashing her car. My dream represents my desire to control my life, coupled with the knowledge that I don't actually know what I'm doing.
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (dreams)
I dreamed that my entire school population (which is a preK through 12th grade) was spending a few nights at a hotel. I'd been swimming in the hotel's swimming pool, and I was getting out to go to back to my room. I had been swimming with no top on- not even a bathing suit top. And at that point in my dream, I didn't even question why I wasn't wearing a top. I just draped a towel over my shoulders and began walking to the elevator.

To get to the elevator, I had to walk through this huge hotel banquet room with tables and tables and tables of nicely-dressed people eating. Brendon Urie was also singing in this room (this is literally the seventh or eighth dream I've had with Brendon Urie this month wtf). And I was marching straight through the room topless in wet bathing suit shorts with a wet towel hanging off my shoulders, and I hardly even thought twice about it.

until I reached the end of the room.

This banquet room opened straight to a little foyer where the elevator was. And it was about the time that I reached this foyer that I realized that I didn't have a shirt on, and that most people would probable be extremely offended by the fact that I don't have a shirt on, as I am female, AND because my entire [BAPTIST/CONSERVATIVE] school comprised half of the hotel's attendance.

At the elevator, an entire class of young elementary students (I'd say 2nd grade or younger) was standing in two lines next to their teacher, waiting to go up the elevator. I was just like 'oh shit I'm gonna get in so much trouble when this teacher sees me. I adjusted my towel so that it was covering my upper body, and I stood nervously waiting for the elevator to arrive. She never called me out on it.

Then my dream changed, and I was in the car with my family. I'm not sure where we were headed, but, as we drove, I mentioned to my mom that I still haven't stopped by Jump Zone to perform some task I was supposed to perform after quitting my job there several months ago (I don't remember what this dream-task was; I think I was supposed to pick up a paper?).

And my mom was like, 'Oh well Jump Zone's right over there! Let's stop really there really quickly.'

We pulled into the Jump Zone parking lot, and I was like, 'Umm the parking lot is completely empty; I think it's closed.'

Mom said, 'Well just go up to the door and check.'

So I went up to the door and saw my old manager (who I'll call Melissa) at the desk with another Jump Zone employee. I stepped inside, and realized the Jump Zone arena was FULL of children despite the empty parking lot outside. Melissa saw me and immediately burst into tears. She was like, 'I can't believe you came back; I'm so proud of you.' (She wasn't crying because she missed me, she was crying because I was proud of me for doing what I was supposed to do. I don't know how else to explain it). She handed me the paper I'd come to get. I also waved at a few dormer coworkers, then I walked out.

My parents were still sitting in the car in the parking lot, and they said something to me about how one side of the parking lot had a force field so other people couldn't get in. I saw my sister Leah running towards the car from the other side of 'the force field', and I was afraid that she was going to hurt herself when she hit it. But she ran right through it. If there was a force field, it didn't affect her.

---

Dream Meaning

I mean, everyone knows that dreaming you're naked/in your underwear/etc in a public place signifies things like fear of being exposed/fear of judgement/internalized shame/insecurity/guilt/etc. STuff along those lines. I like how dreammoods.com (lol dream websites) says,

'To dream that you are naked denotes fear of being found out and exposed over your activities. You feel that you are being misjudged. To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up signifies your vulnerability to a situation.'

I've said this in every dream I've written about so far, but I have been feeling very vulnerable lately. Between talking to my family, hanging out with friends, and writing about personal stuff on websites like this, I've been forcing myself into situations where I feel judged and not accepted... Which isn't a great thing to feel in the wake of all the spiritual change I've been experiencing lately. When you're going through a time of spiritual change and growth, it's not good to feel like your environment is going to punish you for those changes. This dream is yet another manifestation of those feeling of vulnerability.

Side note: I've been listening to a lot of P!atD lately, and Brendon's been showing up in a lot of my dreams as a result. :P

As for the second part of my dream, I've had a lot of insecurities when it comes to my old job at Jump Zone. I always felt like the managers there didn't like me because I wasn't good at making conversation with them. I also was really bad about listening to the voicemails Melissa sent me. And after I quit my job there, it was several weeks before I got around to returning my uniform. And even then, my mom returned them FOR me while she was running errands. Every time I think of Jump Zone, I feel a tiny bit anxious only because I feel like I have some unfinished business there. As if there was some job I was supposed to do, but I forgot.

Yesterday, several friends came over to swim (which is also part of the reason for the swimming in the first part of my dream), and I briefly talked with them about my old job at Jump Zone. I guess that short conversation reawakened some job-related insecurity in me, which manifested itself in my dream last night.

---

TLDR: I dreamed I was topless in a hotel banquet room, and that my old manager cried when I went to my old workplace. The first half of my dream represents my feelings of spiritual vulnerability, and the second half of my dream represents insecurities I have about my old job.
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (dreams)
Disclaimer: this dream is very confusing to explain, so I can't promise that it will make sense. I recommend not reading it at all, to spare yourself the frustration. Srsly, it's kind of boring, and I'm not even gonna try to write this well, because it's just not worth the effort.

---

I dreamed about a famous Youtube personality who, in my dream, looked very similar to Youtube user 'Paint' (that singer who made the Disney Princess parodies and LOTR/Harry Potter in 99 Seconds). I'll continue to call this character 'Paint' because this character was not a real person so I don't have any other name to call him by.

Anyways, Paint uploaded a meme of him meeting Johnny Depp. Remember those old instagram memes that Officialsabrina_xo used to upload? Yes, it was in that same format, with multiple captioned selfies of Paint using different facial expressions to represent his captions. This meme was composed of six pictures, with 2 columns and 3 rows (unlike Officialsabrina_xo's 2 columns and 2 rows). This Meme was basically an extended reaction to Paint having met Johnny Depp. In other words, Paint ran into Johnny Depp on accident when he was out and about. He then came home and made this meme to tell everyone how it made him feel. There are the captions that were in each box of the meme (also each box contained a Paint selfie that represented the captions, but I don't remember what his face looked like in each box):

Row 1
frame 1 = ['What I thought of JD when I was little']
frame 2 = [How I would have felt if I saw JD when I was little']

Row 2
frame 3 = ['What I thought of JD when I was a teenager']
frame 4 = ['How I would have felt if I saw JD when I was a teenager']

Row 3
frame 5 = ['What I think of JD now']
frame 6 = ['How I felt when I saw JD']

In frame 5 & 6, Paint made it very apparent that he didn't care for Johnny Depp, and he was incredibly underwhelmed by meeting the actor. Not a fan.

Then my dream changed. I was at my town's amphitheatre on the lawn seats. There were lots and lots of other people also sitting on the lawn seats. And Paint was there, and he was doing a facial imitation of Johnny Depp. He was walking around to all the people on the lawn, and he was sticking his face out at them while he did his impression. Everyone was super impressed they were like 'whoahohoah' (that's literally what they all said). After a while of showing off to the people, Paint finally sat down on the lawn, very close to me. I overheard him talking with his manager. (Why does a youtube personality need a manager? idk). Suddenly I realized that everyone here in the Amp was one of Paint's subscribers & fans, and they were all here to watch the premier of Paint's new youtube video (which was ALSO about his experience meeting Johnny Depp). The youtube video was going to play on the Amp's stage while we watched from the lawn.

Then my dream changed, and I was in my bedroom. This part of the dream was very strange because it was like there were two stories going on at once- two parallel dimensions, in which events were happening at the same time yet separately. In one dimension, I was in my bathroom preparing to take a shower. In the other dimension, a child version of Youtuber Shane Dawson was standing in my shower (clothed). AS Shane stood in the shower, an Awareness was recounting the story of how his grandmother and her boyfriend both sexually abused kid Shane. I can't repeat the Awareness's story word-for-word, but I do remember it using phrases like 'grandmom's boyfriend was like a father-figure' and 'Shane just had so much love in his heart' and 'grandmom's boyfriend was like having a hired army because she could tell him to go and threaten [with violence] teachers at Shane's school, and he would dO it' (I also remember that the boyfriend was a head police officer (which is why grandmom could/did use him to violently threaten people she didn't like)). And, yeah, it talked about how they both raped Shane.

In the other dream dimension (the one where I was in the bathroom getting ready for a shower), I grabbed a box of tampons from the bathroom cabinet and went into my sister's, Alexia's, room. I asked Alexia if I could hide the box somewhere in her room so that my other sister, Brianna, couldn't use it. But then it occurred to me that I might NEED tampons at some point, so I should leave the tampons in the cabinet and jUST hide the box. So I was like, 'I need to hide this box in here so Brianna can't get it.' But at that moment Brianna sensed we were talking about her, so she barged into Alexia's room and asked us what was going on. I'd been caught. That's when I woke up.

---

Dream Meaning

This dream is very difficult to interpret. The past 3 dreams that I've recorded on here were very clear, but this one is very vague and all over the place and not really about stuff that's super important to me.

Anyways, I dreamed about Johnny Depp because yesterday on tumblr I saw a JD quote on my dash, and I started thinking about how his wife accused him of sexual assault several months ago. (This next bit may sound very petty, but it was really just a random casual conversation I was having with myself because that's what you do when you're mindlessly browsing the internet): The thought crossed my mind that I could never reblog a Johnny Depp quote or a David Bowie quote, etc, because I don't want to communicate that I condone their actions of sexual assault. I know that some of my followers might be very unhappy with me for reblogging it. BUt at the same time, I thought 'well just because they sexually assaulted someone doesn't mean that the quote itSELF isn't valid and relevant, etc.' But then I was like, 'but no, I still don't want my followers to think badly of me.' Yeah. it was just one of those random, pointless, petty conversation that don't actually MATTER in the grand scheme of your life, ya know? HoWEVER, I know the underlying emotion in this conversation was one of me wanting to meet other people's expectations. Because when I talk about music or movies or celebrities, I want to have the 'correct' opinion so that people don't judge me. This portion of my dream with Paint & Johnny Depp represented my desire to be socially informed for the sole purpose of not being judged by others. (I'm sure this is a confusing conclusion for anyone except me, but that's okay, because I'm the only one who needs to understand my dream)

The part of my dream with Shane is even harder to understand. It probably has very little to do with the actual person Shane Dawson. I don't know why I would dream about him; I don't even like or watch his videos? The fact that he was child and the fact that he was standing in a bathtub behind a shower curtain matters, because that communicates themes of vulnerability & secrecy. It also matters that his grandmother raped him, because she was someone who should have been protecting him not hurting him. This person- who should have been protecting him not hurting him- also gave a dangerous stranger access to him. I don't understand what any of this means in the context of my own life. It could have something to do with feeling vulnerable to certain authority figures who I wish I was able to trust and confide in. But I can't say so with certainty.

The last part of my dream was just a manifestation of a feeling that comes over me ever so often. My sister Alexia and Leah share a room. Sometimes I go into their room and talk to Leah about Life™. Sometimes we talk about Brianna. When we do, I'm always concerned that Brianna might overhear us from her room. I'm concerned that she'll walk in on us. I also sometimes feel the need to hide personal items so that Brianna doesn't use them. This part of the dream was literally just a manifestation of those feelings.

So yeah, this was a VERY confusing dream about VERY petty topics. It's kind of embarrassing tbh.

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TLDR: I dreamed about Youtuber making a reaction meme; it represents my fear of being judged by others for not being socially informed enough. I also dreamed about a child being raped by his grandmother and her boyfriend; I couldn't figure out what that meant. It then dreamed about me trying to hide a box of tampons from my sister; it represents me talking about her behind her back.
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
I did not write down my dream as soon as I woke up, so I remember very little of it. However, I do remember that at one point I was taking a shower, and I decided to plug the bathtub. For some reason, in my dream I thought it was a good idea to prevent the bathtub from draining, even though I was still grossed out by used bathwater filling the bottom of the tub. Before I knew it, the tub was literally overflowing water onto the bathroom floor, and I realized how stupid I was to close the drain in the first place. I unplugged the bathtub, and it slowly started draining.

---

Dream Meaning

This dream is actually a result of me using dreamwidth, tumblr, & my sister as places to vent about things going on in my life. Every time I make a personal post, I feel very very vulnerable and judged and on edge. And every time I try to talk to my sister about deeply personal matters, I, again, feel vulnerable, judged, and on edge (even though I know she's not judging me). I often consider confining my venting to my diary (which I usually DO do), but at the same time I want some semblance of validation from other people.

Closing the shower drain represents me deciding to vent to other people instead of channeling stuff into my diary/art/etc where others can't see it or be directly affected by it. The used bathwater and overflowing bathtub represent the uneasiness I feel after venting.

This dream is not meant to tell me that I shouldn't vent. Rather, it's just a manifestation of how my actions make me feel. That's an important distinction to make, I think.

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TLDR: I dreamed that I closed my shower drain, causing my bathtub to overflow while I took a shower; it represents how uneasy & on edge I always feel after I vent my emotions to someone.
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
In my dream, I was in my house, sitting on the couch with my siblings (who I'll call Alexia, Leah, and Michael) and a few of their friends. We were watching TV. I kept telling them that there was a tv program about to come on that was based on a children's book that we owned. The book was called 'It's Okay to Kiss a Boy', and the cover was a caldecott-esque illustration of two boys kissing. The books itself contained many illustrations of many different couples kissing, and it was basically meant to assure kids that all kinds of love exist and all kinds of love are O.K.- especially love among people of marginalized orientations, genders, abilities, races, etc. So yeah, it was a sweet book. (But I shouLD ADD, that this book does not actually exist IRL. I dreamed this book up in this dream, specifically).

The TV program 'It's Okay to Kiss a Boy' did come on, but the house power suddenly went out in that part of the house. I don't remember if the TV turned off too, or if it was just the ceiling lights, but either way, I got up to flip the breakers, and I in doing so I missed the entire TV program. (I also had to wake my mom up from a nap so she could tell me WHICH breaker to flip, and she was not happy about that) D: .

When I sat back down on the couch, the ''It's Okay to Kiss a Boy' program was over, and Alexia and her friend, Sarah, were the only people left on the couch. (Michael & Leah & her friends had decided to go swimming). I suggested that we put on a documentary about space and the beginning of the universe. Alexia & Sarah agreed. The whole time we were watching, I reflected on how my evangelical high school condemns Evolutionism. I thought about how stupid it is that my school uses the Bible to dictate their science books. Treating that Book like a god has hurt the world much more than it's helped it, in more ways than one.

In the next part of my dream, I lived in a beachside town. It was late morning or early afternoon, and I was walking all over this beachside town with my phone in hand. I thiink I was playing Pokemon Go, but it wasn't just Pokemon Go; you could somehow also use this app to scan other Pokemon Go players and get information about them- Not personal details, but spiritual info about their aura and how lucky they are and how happy/sad they are. You could also SEND them luck or good vibes or bad vibes or you could even send them encouragement to kill themselves. yeah.

Anyways, I was walking up the steps of a seaside temple, and two girls my age walked past me down the steps. They were also playing Pokemon Go. I overheard one of the girls venting about her life and how nothing was working out for her. I turned around and scanned her with my Pokemon Go app (her back was too me as she descended the steps, so she didn't notice me). It said that she was low on luck, so I anonymously sent her some good luck. That was nice. I felt like a good person.

I then ran into my sister's friend's parents. They asked me I'd seen their daughter, Ash. I told them that I had, and that she'd been on her phone all day (probably playing Pokemon Go; Ash, what a great name for a PokeGo player). Ash's parents decided to confiscate her phone as a punishment for being on it too much. Ash was so angry at me for snitching, that she found me, ran up up to me, and tried to wrestle my phone out of my hands, screaming, 'YOU GOT MY PHONE TAKEN AWAY SO I GET TO USE YOUR PHONE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.' She didn't manage to get it from me tho, ha. I did end up helping Ash babysit two little girls at the beach for the rest of the afternoon though.

At the end of this part of the dream, I noticed that my instagram had significantly more pictures on it than it did at the beginning of the day. That morning, when I first started playing PokeGo, I had 3 instagram pictures; now I had at least 15, and I didn't remember uploading ANY of them.

This last part of my dream was the most significant to me personally. :/ I was in my bedroom getting ready for school, and I looked in the mirror, and I noticed that my chest was covered in thick dark hair. It was alarming, as I do not have a hairy chest at all in real life. It was really thick and really dark and very masculine, and impossible not to notice.

In my dream, I came to the conclusion that my chest looked like this because I never shave. It's true that irl I don't shave my legs, so they ARE hairy and course. I also don't wax my upper lip, so I have a mustache. Occasionally I'm self-conscious about it, but I still don't shave or wax because it's a lot of effort for something that's just gonna grow back, and I feel like I shouldn't have to anyway.

Soo, in my dream, I did feel self-conscious about my chest hair, but I told myself that I was NOT going to shave, because-just like my legs and lip hair- it would only grow back thicker, and I shouldn't be expected to shave anyways. So I put on a crew neck tee and a jacket, and I left for school. Hair was still sticking out my neckline, and I could feel the hair rubbing against my shirt.

The worst though was when I was in my art class. My art teacher is one of my favorite people in the world, and I was so afraid she was going to notice the hair up by my neckline and think badly of me. I didn't want to shave, but I also didn't want her to think badly of me.

---

Dream meaning

The whole 'It's Okay to Kiss a Boy Thing' is just a manifestation of topics I've been thinking about lately. I've been thinking about Rebecca Sugar saying she wants lgbt/poc/etc kids to SEE themselves in her show, Steven Universe, and know that it's okay to be who they are. I've been thinking about how lucky I am to know that I am asexual and nonbinary and gay, because if I'd lived in a time before the internet, I may have never figured that stuff out, and I would have forced myself to live a very unhappy life. I've been thinking about internalized homophobia/transphobia/etc that often follows us like a shadow even when we're in good relationships and even when we are able to transition. And how that just sucks and makes me sad. I've been thinking about how hard it is for me to talk about being nb/ace/gay out loud, even with people I trust. I still feel ashamed and nauseous and awful even though I know it's not a bad thing and it's not something I can change about myself. And I don't want to feel this way, and I don't want other people to hate themselves either. :(. Yeah, that's what that part of the dream was about.

The Space Documentary was a manifestation of my annoyance with my Baptist school and Baptist church and Baptist parents, and all the stuff I don't want to have to listen to or participate in.

Pokemon Go was connected to all the PokeGo playin' I've been seein around town and online lately (I've never actually played before lol). And sending that girl good vibes was just me wantin to spread the good vibes :) , just wantin other people to feel good about themselves.

idk what was up with ash. probably just about me being on my phone 24/7 :^)

Ok. As for the chest hair part. That's about my fears & desires regarding my nonbinarism. I've been thinking a lot about maybe doing voice exercises to lower my voice. I've talked to an online friend about ordering a binder. And yeah, I don't shave or rly wear make up n stuff. And I've just been thinking a lot about how far I want to go with transitioning in the future. Like, do I want to change my name or publicly use different pronouns or get surgery of any sort.....

But obviously this all comes with a lot of insecurity and vulnerability. I know my parents won't support me. They'll disown me in fact, my dad's literally told me that. And some people- like my art teacher- are very important to me, but I'm afraid they'll disown me to. I'm afraid that people already look down on me for my clothing and cosmetic choices. I KNOW that people already look down on me for my clothing and cosmetic choices.

So yeah, the chest hair part of my dream was just about that. About wanting to be unapologetically myself- for my outside to match my inside-, but also knowing that people will look down on me for it, and so much more.

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TLDR: I dreamed about a gay children's show, sending people good vibes via Pokemon Go, and waking up with a hairy chest; my dream represented my desire to feel comfortable & happy with who I am, as well as wanting other people to feel comfortable and happy with who they are.
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
I dreamed I was going to a really preppy boarding school in London instead of my current high school. At this school's orientation, I met a little boy (around 10yo) who asked me to help him settle into his new dorm room. We went up to his room, and he began searching for a suitable school uniform & jacket among an entire wall of different-sized uniforms. It occurred to me that I should go up to my own room so I could select my own uniform. At that moment a butler came in and told me I wasn't supposed to be in the boy's room.

That night, the little boy and I went to a nearby park in London. At this moment in the park, I subconsciously realized that I was having a reoccurring dream- that I'd had some semblance of the same dream over and over and over again that night. In every single dream, I was out at night time on that Street outside that park in London, and in every single dream I was nearly trampled by moving horse-drawn carriages on one side of the Street. In every dream, the Street's power went down, the horses went crazy, a terrorist bomb detonated, and my dream-self barely survived to live the same dream over again.

So, then the Street's power went down in thiS dream, I filled with dread because I thought I knew what was about to happen. Sure enough, the horses went berserk. I grabbed the boys hand, directed him away from the horse carriage lane, and told him we needed to get back to the boarding school. Everyone on the street had pulled out their phone flashlights; I pulled mine out too, and we started jogging towards the Intersection at the end of the Street where the power was still on. Surely if we got that far, we'd be out of the bomb's radius.

But when we reached the Intersection, Syndrome (from Pixar's The Incredibles) suddenly descended from the sky right above me. I realized Syndrome was the one responsible for all of the terror that had occurred in my reoccurring dreams that night. And I said to myself, 'of fucking course we're not out of the woods. Of course the Source of all my nightmares is gonna arrive exactly where we are.' I knew that running would draw Syndrome's attention to myself, so instead I dove under a bush next to the crosswalk.

Syndrome began a menacing speech directed at everyone at the Intersection- everyone within earshot. All the while he directed some sort of hovering Weapon down from the sky. It was getting close to me, too close. I huddled further under the bush. Suddenly the weapon burst into action and in seconds it grabbed a human from the street and slit his body into several chunks in midair. I had a clearer view of the body than anyone else at the Intersection- I could see his internal organs.

We got up and ran. The little boy and I ran to a white food cart that was sitting in the Intersection. We knew Syndrome would chase us if he saw us running down a street, so we hopped into the food cart.

Inside the food cart (which was very big on the inside), there was one adult lady and several kids between 9 and 19 years old. They were quickly putting food displays away to make it look like the cart wasn't open for business, so that Syndrome would ignore it. I saw the chance to grab several glazed pretzels and stuffed them into my mouth before lying down flat on the ground. Everyone followed suit, lying down on the ground, planning to stay out of sight and out of mind on the floor of the cart until Syndrome abandoned the Intersection.

But I s2g Syndrome could sense that we were hiding from him. Or that I was hiding from him. Because immediately he ceased his menacing speech, he extended a large mechanic arm with which he PICKED UP the food cart, and he chucked it.

I remember realizing that I was going to die, but I don't remember it happening. I don't remember the food cart hitting the ground. Instead, the little boy and I were suddenly back in the boy's room. 'Surely we're out of the woods now,' I thought to myself. But we were still scared, and we ran to a little cubicle room extension that stuck out the side of the dormitory building from the boy's room (did that make sense? i don't know how else to briefly explain it). The cubicle had windows, and through the windows I could see Syndrome- now a giant- stomping through the streets of London looking for people to terrorize. He was looking for us.

At this point in my dream, I knew I was dreaming. I KNEW I was dreaming, but I couldn't wake up. Or, rather, I knew I had the option to wake up but I didn't want to wake up until I knew my dream-self was permenantly safe from Syndrome.

"Let's go back into the room!" I said to the boy. We were surely more vulnerable in a cubicle outside the building than we would be if we took cover deep inside the building. But when we hopped out of the cubicle, we were not in the boy's room.

We were on the roof.

We were suddenly in the most vulnerable place we possible could of been in. There was no escape. I could see Syndrome one street over from us. He was turning, turning towards us-

That's when I finally forced myself to wake up. I finally realized that I'd been living through nonstop terrorism all night, and it was never going to stop until I woke up. There wasn't a happy ending.

---

Dream Meaning

The day before I had this dream, I'd briefly read about Donald Trump's nuclear weapon talk, and I was very scared. It was just one of those moments when I realized that my world can turn completely upside down in one second- mainly by people in positions power- and there's nothing I can do to stop it. That feeling of vulnerability and helplessness manifested itself in this dream where I was constantly under attack and had no way to fight back.

On a more domestic(?) note, I've felt really powerless when it comes to living the type of life I want to live. My priorities just do not align with my Baptist parents' or my Baptist school's, and I hate pretending to share beliefs that once made me so anxious and depressed. I hate having to go on mission trips or being forced to take a mission project class every single day, because I don't want to have to represent a type of religion that's so hateful and exclusionary and performative. But I don't know how to distance myself from it without making myself very vulnerable to people who won't hesitate to belittle and disregard everything that is important to me. Again, this dream carried that vulnerability and stress, as well as the perpetual nature of my experiences in the Baptist church.

I'm not sure what the little boy represented. Why was he with me the entire dream? According to dreammoods.com, 'To save a child in your dream signifies your attempts to save a part of yourself from being destroyed.' haha. dream websites. Uhh but I would tend to interpret the boy as a more vulnerable and cherished part of myself. Because, over the past 5 years I've had to unlearn all of the abusive doctrines and self-hatred I was taught in the IFB cult and the Baptist church. And I've had to completely rewrite a new set of values for myself, simply to keep from falling headlong into the anxiety and depression I was falling into when I was 12, 13, & 14 years old. I'm so proud of myself for being brave enough to reject those toxic teachings. So proud, dude. My self-chosen values are unspeakably important and revolutionary in the context of my own life. But I know that none of these Baptist teachers at my church and school, nor my parents, can fathom how life-saving these values are to me. And never hesitated to belittle and disregard beliefs that contradict their personal interpretations of the Bible. So I feel very afraid to be honest about my feelings and my priorities, because being honest has NEVER ended well for me. And I hate how honesty makes me so vulnerable to such hateful and self-righteous people. So yeah, the boy probably represents my Values, and my attempts to save that part of myself from being attacked.

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TLDR: I had repetitive dreams of being unable to escape a superhuman terrorist. My dream represented my feelings of vulnerablity and helplessness
victoriarch: screencap of Haruhi Fujioka with the sunset behind him (Default)

My name is Victoria, I'm 17 years old, and I live in the U.S.

This is my first post on dreamwidth.org, so I'm not yet sure how to navigate this site. I'll probably use dreamwidth as a second place to post my art (the first being my tumblr blog linked in my description). Or I might use it just to write about Life™. Or I might actually use it as a place to record dreams? We'll see, I haven't decided yet

I'm a big fan of Furudate Haruichi's manga/anime, Haikyuu!!, and Zack Morrison's webcomic, Paranatural, and I'm always up for talking about them. Any fanart I post here will more than likely be related to one of those two fandoms. I read a lot of webcomics & mangas in general, so I always appreciate recommendations.

IG @victoria_bussiere / Periscope @victoriarch / Peach @victoriarch

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