victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
[personal profile] victoriarch
In my dream, I was in my house, sitting on the couch with my siblings (who I'll call Alexia, Leah, and Michael) and a few of their friends. We were watching TV. I kept telling them that there was a tv program about to come on that was based on a children's book that we owned. The book was called 'It's Okay to Kiss a Boy', and the cover was a caldecott-esque illustration of two boys kissing. The books itself contained many illustrations of many different couples kissing, and it was basically meant to assure kids that all kinds of love exist and all kinds of love are O.K.- especially love among people of marginalized orientations, genders, abilities, races, etc. So yeah, it was a sweet book. (But I shouLD ADD, that this book does not actually exist IRL. I dreamed this book up in this dream, specifically).

The TV program 'It's Okay to Kiss a Boy' did come on, but the house power suddenly went out in that part of the house. I don't remember if the TV turned off too, or if it was just the ceiling lights, but either way, I got up to flip the breakers, and I in doing so I missed the entire TV program. (I also had to wake my mom up from a nap so she could tell me WHICH breaker to flip, and she was not happy about that) D: .

When I sat back down on the couch, the ''It's Okay to Kiss a Boy' program was over, and Alexia and her friend, Sarah, were the only people left on the couch. (Michael & Leah & her friends had decided to go swimming). I suggested that we put on a documentary about space and the beginning of the universe. Alexia & Sarah agreed. The whole time we were watching, I reflected on how my evangelical high school condemns Evolutionism. I thought about how stupid it is that my school uses the Bible to dictate their science books. Treating that Book like a god has hurt the world much more than it's helped it, in more ways than one.

In the next part of my dream, I lived in a beachside town. It was late morning or early afternoon, and I was walking all over this beachside town with my phone in hand. I thiink I was playing Pokemon Go, but it wasn't just Pokemon Go; you could somehow also use this app to scan other Pokemon Go players and get information about them- Not personal details, but spiritual info about their aura and how lucky they are and how happy/sad they are. You could also SEND them luck or good vibes or bad vibes or you could even send them encouragement to kill themselves. yeah.

Anyways, I was walking up the steps of a seaside temple, and two girls my age walked past me down the steps. They were also playing Pokemon Go. I overheard one of the girls venting about her life and how nothing was working out for her. I turned around and scanned her with my Pokemon Go app (her back was too me as she descended the steps, so she didn't notice me). It said that she was low on luck, so I anonymously sent her some good luck. That was nice. I felt like a good person.

I then ran into my sister's friend's parents. They asked me I'd seen their daughter, Ash. I told them that I had, and that she'd been on her phone all day (probably playing Pokemon Go; Ash, what a great name for a PokeGo player). Ash's parents decided to confiscate her phone as a punishment for being on it too much. Ash was so angry at me for snitching, that she found me, ran up up to me, and tried to wrestle my phone out of my hands, screaming, 'YOU GOT MY PHONE TAKEN AWAY SO I GET TO USE YOUR PHONE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.' She didn't manage to get it from me tho, ha. I did end up helping Ash babysit two little girls at the beach for the rest of the afternoon though.

At the end of this part of the dream, I noticed that my instagram had significantly more pictures on it than it did at the beginning of the day. That morning, when I first started playing PokeGo, I had 3 instagram pictures; now I had at least 15, and I didn't remember uploading ANY of them.

This last part of my dream was the most significant to me personally. :/ I was in my bedroom getting ready for school, and I looked in the mirror, and I noticed that my chest was covered in thick dark hair. It was alarming, as I do not have a hairy chest at all in real life. It was really thick and really dark and very masculine, and impossible not to notice.

In my dream, I came to the conclusion that my chest looked like this because I never shave. It's true that irl I don't shave my legs, so they ARE hairy and course. I also don't wax my upper lip, so I have a mustache. Occasionally I'm self-conscious about it, but I still don't shave or wax because it's a lot of effort for something that's just gonna grow back, and I feel like I shouldn't have to anyway.

Soo, in my dream, I did feel self-conscious about my chest hair, but I told myself that I was NOT going to shave, because-just like my legs and lip hair- it would only grow back thicker, and I shouldn't be expected to shave anyways. So I put on a crew neck tee and a jacket, and I left for school. Hair was still sticking out my neckline, and I could feel the hair rubbing against my shirt.

The worst though was when I was in my art class. My art teacher is one of my favorite people in the world, and I was so afraid she was going to notice the hair up by my neckline and think badly of me. I didn't want to shave, but I also didn't want her to think badly of me.

---

Dream meaning

The whole 'It's Okay to Kiss a Boy Thing' is just a manifestation of topics I've been thinking about lately. I've been thinking about Rebecca Sugar saying she wants lgbt/poc/etc kids to SEE themselves in her show, Steven Universe, and know that it's okay to be who they are. I've been thinking about how lucky I am to know that I am asexual and nonbinary and gay, because if I'd lived in a time before the internet, I may have never figured that stuff out, and I would have forced myself to live a very unhappy life. I've been thinking about internalized homophobia/transphobia/etc that often follows us like a shadow even when we're in good relationships and even when we are able to transition. And how that just sucks and makes me sad. I've been thinking about how hard it is for me to talk about being nb/ace/gay out loud, even with people I trust. I still feel ashamed and nauseous and awful even though I know it's not a bad thing and it's not something I can change about myself. And I don't want to feel this way, and I don't want other people to hate themselves either. :(. Yeah, that's what that part of the dream was about.

The Space Documentary was a manifestation of my annoyance with my Baptist school and Baptist church and Baptist parents, and all the stuff I don't want to have to listen to or participate in.

Pokemon Go was connected to all the PokeGo playin' I've been seein around town and online lately (I've never actually played before lol). And sending that girl good vibes was just me wantin to spread the good vibes :) , just wantin other people to feel good about themselves.

idk what was up with ash. probably just about me being on my phone 24/7 :^)

Ok. As for the chest hair part. That's about my fears & desires regarding my nonbinarism. I've been thinking a lot about maybe doing voice exercises to lower my voice. I've talked to an online friend about ordering a binder. And yeah, I don't shave or rly wear make up n stuff. And I've just been thinking a lot about how far I want to go with transitioning in the future. Like, do I want to change my name or publicly use different pronouns or get surgery of any sort.....

But obviously this all comes with a lot of insecurity and vulnerability. I know my parents won't support me. They'll disown me in fact, my dad's literally told me that. And some people- like my art teacher- are very important to me, but I'm afraid they'll disown me to. I'm afraid that people already look down on me for my clothing and cosmetic choices. I KNOW that people already look down on me for my clothing and cosmetic choices.

So yeah, the chest hair part of my dream was just about that. About wanting to be unapologetically myself- for my outside to match my inside-, but also knowing that people will look down on me for it, and so much more.

---

TLDR: I dreamed about a gay children's show, sending people good vibes via Pokemon Go, and waking up with a hairy chest; my dream represented my desire to feel comfortable & happy with who I am, as well as wanting other people to feel comfortable and happy with who they are.

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victoriarch: screencap of Haruhi Fujioka with the sunset behind him (Default)
victoryarch

October 2016

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