Aug. 8th, 2016

victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
I dreamed I was going to a really preppy boarding school in London instead of my current high school. At this school's orientation, I met a little boy (around 10yo) who asked me to help him settle into his new dorm room. We went up to his room, and he began searching for a suitable school uniform & jacket among an entire wall of different-sized uniforms. It occurred to me that I should go up to my own room so I could select my own uniform. At that moment a butler came in and told me I wasn't supposed to be in the boy's room.

That night, the little boy and I went to a nearby park in London. At this moment in the park, I subconsciously realized that I was having a reoccurring dream- that I'd had some semblance of the same dream over and over and over again that night. In every single dream, I was out at night time on that Street outside that park in London, and in every single dream I was nearly trampled by moving horse-drawn carriages on one side of the Street. In every dream, the Street's power went down, the horses went crazy, a terrorist bomb detonated, and my dream-self barely survived to live the same dream over again.

So, then the Street's power went down in thiS dream, I filled with dread because I thought I knew what was about to happen. Sure enough, the horses went berserk. I grabbed the boys hand, directed him away from the horse carriage lane, and told him we needed to get back to the boarding school. Everyone on the street had pulled out their phone flashlights; I pulled mine out too, and we started jogging towards the Intersection at the end of the Street where the power was still on. Surely if we got that far, we'd be out of the bomb's radius.

But when we reached the Intersection, Syndrome (from Pixar's The Incredibles) suddenly descended from the sky right above me. I realized Syndrome was the one responsible for all of the terror that had occurred in my reoccurring dreams that night. And I said to myself, 'of fucking course we're not out of the woods. Of course the Source of all my nightmares is gonna arrive exactly where we are.' I knew that running would draw Syndrome's attention to myself, so instead I dove under a bush next to the crosswalk.

Syndrome began a menacing speech directed at everyone at the Intersection- everyone within earshot. All the while he directed some sort of hovering Weapon down from the sky. It was getting close to me, too close. I huddled further under the bush. Suddenly the weapon burst into action and in seconds it grabbed a human from the street and slit his body into several chunks in midair. I had a clearer view of the body than anyone else at the Intersection- I could see his internal organs.

We got up and ran. The little boy and I ran to a white food cart that was sitting in the Intersection. We knew Syndrome would chase us if he saw us running down a street, so we hopped into the food cart.

Inside the food cart (which was very big on the inside), there was one adult lady and several kids between 9 and 19 years old. They were quickly putting food displays away to make it look like the cart wasn't open for business, so that Syndrome would ignore it. I saw the chance to grab several glazed pretzels and stuffed them into my mouth before lying down flat on the ground. Everyone followed suit, lying down on the ground, planning to stay out of sight and out of mind on the floor of the cart until Syndrome abandoned the Intersection.

But I s2g Syndrome could sense that we were hiding from him. Or that I was hiding from him. Because immediately he ceased his menacing speech, he extended a large mechanic arm with which he PICKED UP the food cart, and he chucked it.

I remember realizing that I was going to die, but I don't remember it happening. I don't remember the food cart hitting the ground. Instead, the little boy and I were suddenly back in the boy's room. 'Surely we're out of the woods now,' I thought to myself. But we were still scared, and we ran to a little cubicle room extension that stuck out the side of the dormitory building from the boy's room (did that make sense? i don't know how else to briefly explain it). The cubicle had windows, and through the windows I could see Syndrome- now a giant- stomping through the streets of London looking for people to terrorize. He was looking for us.

At this point in my dream, I knew I was dreaming. I KNEW I was dreaming, but I couldn't wake up. Or, rather, I knew I had the option to wake up but I didn't want to wake up until I knew my dream-self was permenantly safe from Syndrome.

"Let's go back into the room!" I said to the boy. We were surely more vulnerable in a cubicle outside the building than we would be if we took cover deep inside the building. But when we hopped out of the cubicle, we were not in the boy's room.

We were on the roof.

We were suddenly in the most vulnerable place we possible could of been in. There was no escape. I could see Syndrome one street over from us. He was turning, turning towards us-

That's when I finally forced myself to wake up. I finally realized that I'd been living through nonstop terrorism all night, and it was never going to stop until I woke up. There wasn't a happy ending.

---

Dream Meaning

The day before I had this dream, I'd briefly read about Donald Trump's nuclear weapon talk, and I was very scared. It was just one of those moments when I realized that my world can turn completely upside down in one second- mainly by people in positions power- and there's nothing I can do to stop it. That feeling of vulnerability and helplessness manifested itself in this dream where I was constantly under attack and had no way to fight back.

On a more domestic(?) note, I've felt really powerless when it comes to living the type of life I want to live. My priorities just do not align with my Baptist parents' or my Baptist school's, and I hate pretending to share beliefs that once made me so anxious and depressed. I hate having to go on mission trips or being forced to take a mission project class every single day, because I don't want to have to represent a type of religion that's so hateful and exclusionary and performative. But I don't know how to distance myself from it without making myself very vulnerable to people who won't hesitate to belittle and disregard everything that is important to me. Again, this dream carried that vulnerability and stress, as well as the perpetual nature of my experiences in the Baptist church.

I'm not sure what the little boy represented. Why was he with me the entire dream? According to dreammoods.com, 'To save a child in your dream signifies your attempts to save a part of yourself from being destroyed.' haha. dream websites. Uhh but I would tend to interpret the boy as a more vulnerable and cherished part of myself. Because, over the past 5 years I've had to unlearn all of the abusive doctrines and self-hatred I was taught in the IFB cult and the Baptist church. And I've had to completely rewrite a new set of values for myself, simply to keep from falling headlong into the anxiety and depression I was falling into when I was 12, 13, & 14 years old. I'm so proud of myself for being brave enough to reject those toxic teachings. So proud, dude. My self-chosen values are unspeakably important and revolutionary in the context of my own life. But I know that none of these Baptist teachers at my church and school, nor my parents, can fathom how life-saving these values are to me. And never hesitated to belittle and disregard beliefs that contradict their personal interpretations of the Bible. So I feel very afraid to be honest about my feelings and my priorities, because being honest has NEVER ended well for me. And I hate how honesty makes me so vulnerable to such hateful and self-righteous people. So yeah, the boy probably represents my Values, and my attempts to save that part of myself from being attacked.

---

TLDR: I had repetitive dreams of being unable to escape a superhuman terrorist. My dream represented my feelings of vulnerablity and helplessness
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
In my dream, I was in my house, sitting on the couch with my siblings (who I'll call Alexia, Leah, and Michael) and a few of their friends. We were watching TV. I kept telling them that there was a tv program about to come on that was based on a children's book that we owned. The book was called 'It's Okay to Kiss a Boy', and the cover was a caldecott-esque illustration of two boys kissing. The books itself contained many illustrations of many different couples kissing, and it was basically meant to assure kids that all kinds of love exist and all kinds of love are O.K.- especially love among people of marginalized orientations, genders, abilities, races, etc. So yeah, it was a sweet book. (But I shouLD ADD, that this book does not actually exist IRL. I dreamed this book up in this dream, specifically).

The TV program 'It's Okay to Kiss a Boy' did come on, but the house power suddenly went out in that part of the house. I don't remember if the TV turned off too, or if it was just the ceiling lights, but either way, I got up to flip the breakers, and I in doing so I missed the entire TV program. (I also had to wake my mom up from a nap so she could tell me WHICH breaker to flip, and she was not happy about that) D: .

When I sat back down on the couch, the ''It's Okay to Kiss a Boy' program was over, and Alexia and her friend, Sarah, were the only people left on the couch. (Michael & Leah & her friends had decided to go swimming). I suggested that we put on a documentary about space and the beginning of the universe. Alexia & Sarah agreed. The whole time we were watching, I reflected on how my evangelical high school condemns Evolutionism. I thought about how stupid it is that my school uses the Bible to dictate their science books. Treating that Book like a god has hurt the world much more than it's helped it, in more ways than one.

In the next part of my dream, I lived in a beachside town. It was late morning or early afternoon, and I was walking all over this beachside town with my phone in hand. I thiink I was playing Pokemon Go, but it wasn't just Pokemon Go; you could somehow also use this app to scan other Pokemon Go players and get information about them- Not personal details, but spiritual info about their aura and how lucky they are and how happy/sad they are. You could also SEND them luck or good vibes or bad vibes or you could even send them encouragement to kill themselves. yeah.

Anyways, I was walking up the steps of a seaside temple, and two girls my age walked past me down the steps. They were also playing Pokemon Go. I overheard one of the girls venting about her life and how nothing was working out for her. I turned around and scanned her with my Pokemon Go app (her back was too me as she descended the steps, so she didn't notice me). It said that she was low on luck, so I anonymously sent her some good luck. That was nice. I felt like a good person.

I then ran into my sister's friend's parents. They asked me I'd seen their daughter, Ash. I told them that I had, and that she'd been on her phone all day (probably playing Pokemon Go; Ash, what a great name for a PokeGo player). Ash's parents decided to confiscate her phone as a punishment for being on it too much. Ash was so angry at me for snitching, that she found me, ran up up to me, and tried to wrestle my phone out of my hands, screaming, 'YOU GOT MY PHONE TAKEN AWAY SO I GET TO USE YOUR PHONE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.' She didn't manage to get it from me tho, ha. I did end up helping Ash babysit two little girls at the beach for the rest of the afternoon though.

At the end of this part of the dream, I noticed that my instagram had significantly more pictures on it than it did at the beginning of the day. That morning, when I first started playing PokeGo, I had 3 instagram pictures; now I had at least 15, and I didn't remember uploading ANY of them.

This last part of my dream was the most significant to me personally. :/ I was in my bedroom getting ready for school, and I looked in the mirror, and I noticed that my chest was covered in thick dark hair. It was alarming, as I do not have a hairy chest at all in real life. It was really thick and really dark and very masculine, and impossible not to notice.

In my dream, I came to the conclusion that my chest looked like this because I never shave. It's true that irl I don't shave my legs, so they ARE hairy and course. I also don't wax my upper lip, so I have a mustache. Occasionally I'm self-conscious about it, but I still don't shave or wax because it's a lot of effort for something that's just gonna grow back, and I feel like I shouldn't have to anyway.

Soo, in my dream, I did feel self-conscious about my chest hair, but I told myself that I was NOT going to shave, because-just like my legs and lip hair- it would only grow back thicker, and I shouldn't be expected to shave anyways. So I put on a crew neck tee and a jacket, and I left for school. Hair was still sticking out my neckline, and I could feel the hair rubbing against my shirt.

The worst though was when I was in my art class. My art teacher is one of my favorite people in the world, and I was so afraid she was going to notice the hair up by my neckline and think badly of me. I didn't want to shave, but I also didn't want her to think badly of me.

---

Dream meaning

The whole 'It's Okay to Kiss a Boy Thing' is just a manifestation of topics I've been thinking about lately. I've been thinking about Rebecca Sugar saying she wants lgbt/poc/etc kids to SEE themselves in her show, Steven Universe, and know that it's okay to be who they are. I've been thinking about how lucky I am to know that I am asexual and nonbinary and gay, because if I'd lived in a time before the internet, I may have never figured that stuff out, and I would have forced myself to live a very unhappy life. I've been thinking about internalized homophobia/transphobia/etc that often follows us like a shadow even when we're in good relationships and even when we are able to transition. And how that just sucks and makes me sad. I've been thinking about how hard it is for me to talk about being nb/ace/gay out loud, even with people I trust. I still feel ashamed and nauseous and awful even though I know it's not a bad thing and it's not something I can change about myself. And I don't want to feel this way, and I don't want other people to hate themselves either. :(. Yeah, that's what that part of the dream was about.

The Space Documentary was a manifestation of my annoyance with my Baptist school and Baptist church and Baptist parents, and all the stuff I don't want to have to listen to or participate in.

Pokemon Go was connected to all the PokeGo playin' I've been seein around town and online lately (I've never actually played before lol). And sending that girl good vibes was just me wantin to spread the good vibes :) , just wantin other people to feel good about themselves.

idk what was up with ash. probably just about me being on my phone 24/7 :^)

Ok. As for the chest hair part. That's about my fears & desires regarding my nonbinarism. I've been thinking a lot about maybe doing voice exercises to lower my voice. I've talked to an online friend about ordering a binder. And yeah, I don't shave or rly wear make up n stuff. And I've just been thinking a lot about how far I want to go with transitioning in the future. Like, do I want to change my name or publicly use different pronouns or get surgery of any sort.....

But obviously this all comes with a lot of insecurity and vulnerability. I know my parents won't support me. They'll disown me in fact, my dad's literally told me that. And some people- like my art teacher- are very important to me, but I'm afraid they'll disown me to. I'm afraid that people already look down on me for my clothing and cosmetic choices. I KNOW that people already look down on me for my clothing and cosmetic choices.

So yeah, the chest hair part of my dream was just about that. About wanting to be unapologetically myself- for my outside to match my inside-, but also knowing that people will look down on me for it, and so much more.

---

TLDR: I dreamed about a gay children's show, sending people good vibes via Pokemon Go, and waking up with a hairy chest; my dream represented my desire to feel comfortable & happy with who I am, as well as wanting other people to feel comfortable and happy with who they are.

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victoriarch: screencap of Haruhi Fujioka with the sunset behind him (Default)
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October 2016

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