victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
[personal profile] victoriarch
I dreamed that two girls visited my house to spend the day with me. They were not people that I know irl, but I was chill with them in my dream i guess.

We went to the kitchen to eat. The kitchen was disgusting. There were dozens of cups, unclean dishes, pans, bags of chips, and whatever else my family likes to eat strewn about the counter tops/table.

The girls sat down at the kitchen island. Girl 1 asked me what I wanted for lunch, as if she was about to prepare lunch for me. And in my head I was like, 'uuhh, YOU'RE the guest. I should be asking you.' So I tried to think of a way to offer them the choice of sandwiches, pasta, or hotdogs for lunch (basically the only foods I know how to prepare) without making myself seem as disappointing and gross as the kitchen.

Suddenly, the two girls were replaced by my childhood best friend, Eowyn. We were still in the same situation- hanging out at home for the day and trying to decide what to eat for lunch- but now I was just with Eowyn instead of the two stranger girls.

My Mom and Dad entered the kitchen from the deck door. I could tell that my mom and dad were in a really annoyed, hard-to-deal-with mood, just by the looks on their faces and the way they were walking.

I tried to walk past my dad, and my dad was like, "Don't I get a hug before I go?"

So I gave him a very unenjoyable hug, then I asked him where he was going. I don't remember his reply.

A commercial came on TV. It was a movie trailer for a lesbian Brokeback Mountain movie, in which the two main characters were named Victoria and Bri (actually, the second girl had the same name as my little sister, but I call my little sister Bri on here, so I'll call the dream movie character 'Bri' as well). Weird.

After my dad left the kitchen, Mom asked me, "You're going to CiCi's Pizza for lunch right?"

I was like, "no?? I wasn't planning on it?" CiCi's isn't great.

Then my mom (who was in a very bad mood, I remind you), was like, "no you definitely said CiCi's D:"

I never remembered asking to go ANYWHERE for lunch, but I replied, "Maybe I said Eureka Pizza??" Eureka Pizza is pretty shitty too, but it would be more sufferable to eat Eureka with Eowyn than it would be to eat CiCi's.

Suddenly there was a Eureka Pizza pie on the kitchen Island. I sat on one of the stools, and Eowyn stood across from me. She was bent over the pie, pouring come sort of powder over one section of the cheese pizza. Then she used her bare fingers to work the powder into the cheese. Eowyn chatted relentlessly (as usual) while she performed this strange, gross task. She explained that this powder was naturally toxic, and it often poisons you if you don't use it correctly. She'd even been poisoned before! However, if you DO use it correctly, the powder is pretty good for you. Eowyn's logic was purely cost-vs-benefit, the cost being probable food poisoning and the benefit being that it had the potential to be friendly to your body.

As I watched Maren dig the powder into the cheese with her bare fingers, I thought to myself, 'uuuhhhh this is NOT worth iiit. for ANY reason.'

Maren also chatted away about how she hated 'diamond blenders' (meaning a food blender with diamond blades?) because she can't stand it when diamonds get in her food.

---

Dream Meaning

For one thing, my Mom and Dad were in a very bad mood the day before I had this dream. My dad was upset that the kitchen was a mess. My mom came upstairs and told us that Dad was at the point of breaking things because he was so upset.

And I in my head I was like, 'uuhh if he's srsly at the point of breaking dishes, then that is HIS issue that he has to deal with. That is not your fault orour fault or the kitchen's fault. It's his fault. You can ask us to keep the kitchen cleaner without using dad's violence to threaten us. That. Is not healthy. wtf.'

After several conversations with my parents yesterday, I was crying alone in my room. I felt so trapped. Like I just didn't want to live this way anymore. My whole life felt like a dirty kitchen and I didn't have the energy or means to clean it out.

That's probably why the dirty kitchen appeared in my dream. That's probably why Mom and Dad were in disagreeable moods in my dream. That's probably why my whole dream was underscored by that same icky, trapped feeling.

When dream dad asked me to hug him, I was like DD: I don't like it when my dad touches me. I don't like it when he walks past me and feels the need to put his hand on my back. I don't like any of it. I don't like it when people touch me in general, but especially when my dad does it. I'm not trying to be mean; that's just the way it is for me. This moment added to the general element of disgust and discomfort that accentuated my entire dream.

The lesbian brokeback mountain trailer was a manifestation of my fear that my parents will figure out I'm queer. Anytime I watch something on TV irl, I feel VERY uncomfortable, because my parents constantly walk passed the room, and I always sense their judgement. And this lesbian Brokeback Mountain trailer was on our television, and main characters shared names with me and my little sister (Victoria & Bri). This aspect of my dream obviously correlates with my fear that my parents will observe my life and connect the dots, and realize that I'm queer.

But I think the part of my dream with Eowyn and the toxic powder was the most interesting. Eowyn's logic was that probable food poisoning was worth the risk, if it meant the possibility of consuming something vaguely healthy. I mean, she even said that the powder is USUALLY toxic. but occasionally it isn't. So it's worth it.

fuck no.

Where am I allowing toxic shit to enter my life and my thoughts? What types of faulty logic do I need to let go of? STuff to think about

---

TLDR: I dreamed the kitchen was gross, my parents were acting gross, and my best friend was poisoning our pizza; I dreamed this because I feel gross and trapped, and because I'm afraid of coming out, and because I'm not dealing with certain aspects of my life in a healthy way
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victoryarch

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