victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (dreams)
I dreamed that Mrs Laura was asking my class quiz bowl questions in a classroom setting. I believe it was my 11th grade english classroom, specifically. She asked a questions about an activist who got AIDS back in the day. Cameron correctly answered the question. It was clear that she knew what she was talking about and that no one else in the class [immediately] knew the answer.

I got very self conscious because I didn't want Cameron to think that I wasn't educated on LGTB activist history (even though I'm really not...).

Mrs. Laura then asked a 4-question bonus round about Bredon Urie. The question was something like, "what are four things Brendon Urie takes special interest in and donated money for the research thereof."

I immediately answered, "Divergence." I assume I was referring to the 'Divergence' as described in Veronica Roth's trilogy, but I'm not completely sure what dream-me meant by that.

Then it occurred to me: "Music."

Then either Wesley or me added, "Acting."

We couldn't thing of anything else. Mrs. Laura read the list, revealing that we forgot "agriculture."

---

I'm interpreting this a month after I dreamed it, so can't go in as much depth as I would if I interpreted this the morning after.

Anyways. I've been worried for ages that Cameron doesn't see me as 'queer enough' or educated on the history of my community. Which probably sounds stupid. And it is. But additionally I just always worry that Cameron thinks I'm way more ignorant than her about The World in general. So yeah, this dream was just a manifestation of that feeling.

wtf is up with patd/Brendon Urie showing up in all my dreams. I went to a patd concert in July 2016, and I've been listening to them a lot ever since (as one does). So I guess that part of my dream was just me processing my current obsession, if u will. anyways
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
I dreamed that two girls visited my house to spend the day with me. They were not people that I know irl, but I was chill with them in my dream i guess.

We went to the kitchen to eat. The kitchen was disgusting. There were dozens of cups, unclean dishes, pans, bags of chips, and whatever else my family likes to eat strewn about the counter tops/table.

The girls sat down at the kitchen island. Girl 1 asked me what I wanted for lunch, as if she was about to prepare lunch for me. And in my head I was like, 'uuhh, YOU'RE the guest. I should be asking you.' So I tried to think of a way to offer them the choice of sandwiches, pasta, or hotdogs for lunch (basically the only foods I know how to prepare) without making myself seem as disappointing and gross as the kitchen.

Suddenly, the two girls were replaced by my childhood best friend, Eowyn. We were still in the same situation- hanging out at home for the day and trying to decide what to eat for lunch- but now I was just with Eowyn instead of the two stranger girls.

My Mom and Dad entered the kitchen from the deck door. I could tell that my mom and dad were in a really annoyed, hard-to-deal-with mood, just by the looks on their faces and the way they were walking.

I tried to walk past my dad, and my dad was like, "Don't I get a hug before I go?"

So I gave him a very unenjoyable hug, then I asked him where he was going. I don't remember his reply.

A commercial came on TV. It was a movie trailer for a lesbian Brokeback Mountain movie, in which the two main characters were named Victoria and Bri (actually, the second girl had the same name as my little sister, but I call my little sister Bri on here, so I'll call the dream movie character 'Bri' as well). Weird.

After my dad left the kitchen, Mom asked me, "You're going to CiCi's Pizza for lunch right?"

I was like, "no?? I wasn't planning on it?" CiCi's isn't great.

Then my mom (who was in a very bad mood, I remind you), was like, "no you definitely said CiCi's D:"

I never remembered asking to go ANYWHERE for lunch, but I replied, "Maybe I said Eureka Pizza??" Eureka Pizza is pretty shitty too, but it would be more sufferable to eat Eureka with Eowyn than it would be to eat CiCi's.

Suddenly there was a Eureka Pizza pie on the kitchen Island. I sat on one of the stools, and Eowyn stood across from me. She was bent over the pie, pouring come sort of powder over one section of the cheese pizza. Then she used her bare fingers to work the powder into the cheese. Eowyn chatted relentlessly (as usual) while she performed this strange, gross task. She explained that this powder was naturally toxic, and it often poisons you if you don't use it correctly. She'd even been poisoned before! However, if you DO use it correctly, the powder is pretty good for you. Eowyn's logic was purely cost-vs-benefit, the cost being probable food poisoning and the benefit being that it had the potential to be friendly to your body.

As I watched Maren dig the powder into the cheese with her bare fingers, I thought to myself, 'uuuhhhh this is NOT worth iiit. for ANY reason.'

Maren also chatted away about how she hated 'diamond blenders' (meaning a food blender with diamond blades?) because she can't stand it when diamonds get in her food.

---

Dream Meaning

For one thing, my Mom and Dad were in a very bad mood the day before I had this dream. My dad was upset that the kitchen was a mess. My mom came upstairs and told us that Dad was at the point of breaking things because he was so upset.

And I in my head I was like, 'uuhh if he's srsly at the point of breaking dishes, then that is HIS issue that he has to deal with. That is not your fault orour fault or the kitchen's fault. It's his fault. You can ask us to keep the kitchen cleaner without using dad's violence to threaten us. That. Is not healthy. wtf.'

After several conversations with my parents yesterday, I was crying alone in my room. I felt so trapped. Like I just didn't want to live this way anymore. My whole life felt like a dirty kitchen and I didn't have the energy or means to clean it out.

That's probably why the dirty kitchen appeared in my dream. That's probably why Mom and Dad were in disagreeable moods in my dream. That's probably why my whole dream was underscored by that same icky, trapped feeling.

When dream dad asked me to hug him, I was like DD: I don't like it when my dad touches me. I don't like it when he walks past me and feels the need to put his hand on my back. I don't like any of it. I don't like it when people touch me in general, but especially when my dad does it. I'm not trying to be mean; that's just the way it is for me. This moment added to the general element of disgust and discomfort that accentuated my entire dream.

The lesbian brokeback mountain trailer was a manifestation of my fear that my parents will figure out I'm queer. Anytime I watch something on TV irl, I feel VERY uncomfortable, because my parents constantly walk passed the room, and I always sense their judgement. And this lesbian Brokeback Mountain trailer was on our television, and main characters shared names with me and my little sister (Victoria & Bri). This aspect of my dream obviously correlates with my fear that my parents will observe my life and connect the dots, and realize that I'm queer.

But I think the part of my dream with Eowyn and the toxic powder was the most interesting. Eowyn's logic was that probable food poisoning was worth the risk, if it meant the possibility of consuming something vaguely healthy. I mean, she even said that the powder is USUALLY toxic. but occasionally it isn't. So it's worth it.

fuck no.

Where am I allowing toxic shit to enter my life and my thoughts? What types of faulty logic do I need to let go of? STuff to think about

---

TLDR: I dreamed the kitchen was gross, my parents were acting gross, and my best friend was poisoning our pizza; I dreamed this because I feel gross and trapped, and because I'm afraid of coming out, and because I'm not dealing with certain aspects of my life in a healthy way
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
Disclaimer: it's 1:11 in the morning and I don't have the energy to revise this dream. I didn't even read back thru it, so it'll be poorly written until I get around to editing it.

---

I don't remember most of my dream last night, but I do remember one scene: Basically, my art teacher had sent home a 'terms & conditions' type document that all art students had to sign before they took her class. And you know how most high school teachers will shorten their syllabus down to one or two comprehensive pages? yeah nO, this document was at least five pages long, and it was just a list of rules we had to abide by in the art room.

So I sat on my bed at home and [quickly] skimmed the pages as I flipped through the packet. Now, I've attended Mrs. Art's art classes for 2 years, so i figured I already knew the rules- all the basic 'don't talk when the teacher is talking', 'don't work on other class's homework in art class','cutting/carving tools don't leave the art room', etc. I knew what Mrs. Art expected of us.

But then one of points on the last page caught my eye. I immediately felt sick to my stomach.

The point was worded something like, 'This school and art class wants to uphold biblical values and prepare its students to confront the secular world they live in. The world does it's best to distort the clear differences God made between men and women. Therefore, all art students will do their best accentuate feminine and masculine physical features accordingly in any human figures they draw.'

I felt very singled out, like I'd been caught red-handed. I am a very very queer person, and I love for my art to reflect myself and the things that I think about, but this rule was going to restrict the freedom of my content. I know Mrs. Art and the school staff weren't intentionally aiming that point at me (bc they think I'm str8), but I still felt singled out and a little scared.

---

Dream Meaning

So, I know why I had this dream. I'm an art aid for Mrs. Art during one of my free periods. And on my first day assisting her, she asked me to research an art showcase that our school was invited to participate in.

She said, "When you have free time, could you research this art festival called 'Tell Your Story?' It's in [nearby town], and this is the first year that we've been invited to it, and I know nothing about it. tbh I'm worried that it might be a transgender thing. It looks preeetty sketchy to me, so just research it and tell me what it's all about."

The second she said 'I think it's a transgender thing' I filled with fear and got sick to my stomach. The exact same feeling I got when I read the bullet point in my dream. Because Mrs. Art is one of the most important people in the world to me. But I know she can never love the real me :( (I'm not out to her)

I've also been trying to come up with original art pieces for my portfolio. Most of my ideas rn have to do with criticizing the evangelicalism, discussing my personal [non-christian] spirituality, and just talking about how I feel about Life & the world (including gender and queer stuff). Of course, I always have to make them cryptic enough to prevent Mrs. Art from understanding the real meanings; I do go to an evangelical school after all.

But let's say I'm painting a picture that has angels in it, or other clearly biblical themes; Mrs. Art is inevitably going to ask what the painting symbolizes. What do I tell her then?? I don't want to lie about my art. art is the most important thing to me, I don't want to lie about it. This is a dilemma I've been struggling with a lot lately as I plan out my art ideas for this semester. This feeling manifested itself in my dream at the part when I was like, 'aaaa this rule makes me feel so restricted! IWhy can't I make the content I want to make!'

---

TLDR: I dreamed that my art teacher made a rule against drawing androgynous character. I had this dream because of a transphobic comment my art teacher made two days prior, and I had this dream because I'm having trouble coming up with art pieces that are acceptable at an evangelical school in the Bible Belt.
victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
In my dream, I was in my house, sitting on the couch with my siblings (who I'll call Alexia, Leah, and Michael) and a few of their friends. We were watching TV. I kept telling them that there was a tv program about to come on that was based on a children's book that we owned. The book was called 'It's Okay to Kiss a Boy', and the cover was a caldecott-esque illustration of two boys kissing. The books itself contained many illustrations of many different couples kissing, and it was basically meant to assure kids that all kinds of love exist and all kinds of love are O.K.- especially love among people of marginalized orientations, genders, abilities, races, etc. So yeah, it was a sweet book. (But I shouLD ADD, that this book does not actually exist IRL. I dreamed this book up in this dream, specifically).

The TV program 'It's Okay to Kiss a Boy' did come on, but the house power suddenly went out in that part of the house. I don't remember if the TV turned off too, or if it was just the ceiling lights, but either way, I got up to flip the breakers, and I in doing so I missed the entire TV program. (I also had to wake my mom up from a nap so she could tell me WHICH breaker to flip, and she was not happy about that) D: .

When I sat back down on the couch, the ''It's Okay to Kiss a Boy' program was over, and Alexia and her friend, Sarah, were the only people left on the couch. (Michael & Leah & her friends had decided to go swimming). I suggested that we put on a documentary about space and the beginning of the universe. Alexia & Sarah agreed. The whole time we were watching, I reflected on how my evangelical high school condemns Evolutionism. I thought about how stupid it is that my school uses the Bible to dictate their science books. Treating that Book like a god has hurt the world much more than it's helped it, in more ways than one.

In the next part of my dream, I lived in a beachside town. It was late morning or early afternoon, and I was walking all over this beachside town with my phone in hand. I thiink I was playing Pokemon Go, but it wasn't just Pokemon Go; you could somehow also use this app to scan other Pokemon Go players and get information about them- Not personal details, but spiritual info about their aura and how lucky they are and how happy/sad they are. You could also SEND them luck or good vibes or bad vibes or you could even send them encouragement to kill themselves. yeah.

Anyways, I was walking up the steps of a seaside temple, and two girls my age walked past me down the steps. They were also playing Pokemon Go. I overheard one of the girls venting about her life and how nothing was working out for her. I turned around and scanned her with my Pokemon Go app (her back was too me as she descended the steps, so she didn't notice me). It said that she was low on luck, so I anonymously sent her some good luck. That was nice. I felt like a good person.

I then ran into my sister's friend's parents. They asked me I'd seen their daughter, Ash. I told them that I had, and that she'd been on her phone all day (probably playing Pokemon Go; Ash, what a great name for a PokeGo player). Ash's parents decided to confiscate her phone as a punishment for being on it too much. Ash was so angry at me for snitching, that she found me, ran up up to me, and tried to wrestle my phone out of my hands, screaming, 'YOU GOT MY PHONE TAKEN AWAY SO I GET TO USE YOUR PHONE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.' She didn't manage to get it from me tho, ha. I did end up helping Ash babysit two little girls at the beach for the rest of the afternoon though.

At the end of this part of the dream, I noticed that my instagram had significantly more pictures on it than it did at the beginning of the day. That morning, when I first started playing PokeGo, I had 3 instagram pictures; now I had at least 15, and I didn't remember uploading ANY of them.

This last part of my dream was the most significant to me personally. :/ I was in my bedroom getting ready for school, and I looked in the mirror, and I noticed that my chest was covered in thick dark hair. It was alarming, as I do not have a hairy chest at all in real life. It was really thick and really dark and very masculine, and impossible not to notice.

In my dream, I came to the conclusion that my chest looked like this because I never shave. It's true that irl I don't shave my legs, so they ARE hairy and course. I also don't wax my upper lip, so I have a mustache. Occasionally I'm self-conscious about it, but I still don't shave or wax because it's a lot of effort for something that's just gonna grow back, and I feel like I shouldn't have to anyway.

Soo, in my dream, I did feel self-conscious about my chest hair, but I told myself that I was NOT going to shave, because-just like my legs and lip hair- it would only grow back thicker, and I shouldn't be expected to shave anyways. So I put on a crew neck tee and a jacket, and I left for school. Hair was still sticking out my neckline, and I could feel the hair rubbing against my shirt.

The worst though was when I was in my art class. My art teacher is one of my favorite people in the world, and I was so afraid she was going to notice the hair up by my neckline and think badly of me. I didn't want to shave, but I also didn't want her to think badly of me.

---

Dream meaning

The whole 'It's Okay to Kiss a Boy Thing' is just a manifestation of topics I've been thinking about lately. I've been thinking about Rebecca Sugar saying she wants lgbt/poc/etc kids to SEE themselves in her show, Steven Universe, and know that it's okay to be who they are. I've been thinking about how lucky I am to know that I am asexual and nonbinary and gay, because if I'd lived in a time before the internet, I may have never figured that stuff out, and I would have forced myself to live a very unhappy life. I've been thinking about internalized homophobia/transphobia/etc that often follows us like a shadow even when we're in good relationships and even when we are able to transition. And how that just sucks and makes me sad. I've been thinking about how hard it is for me to talk about being nb/ace/gay out loud, even with people I trust. I still feel ashamed and nauseous and awful even though I know it's not a bad thing and it's not something I can change about myself. And I don't want to feel this way, and I don't want other people to hate themselves either. :(. Yeah, that's what that part of the dream was about.

The Space Documentary was a manifestation of my annoyance with my Baptist school and Baptist church and Baptist parents, and all the stuff I don't want to have to listen to or participate in.

Pokemon Go was connected to all the PokeGo playin' I've been seein around town and online lately (I've never actually played before lol). And sending that girl good vibes was just me wantin to spread the good vibes :) , just wantin other people to feel good about themselves.

idk what was up with ash. probably just about me being on my phone 24/7 :^)

Ok. As for the chest hair part. That's about my fears & desires regarding my nonbinarism. I've been thinking a lot about maybe doing voice exercises to lower my voice. I've talked to an online friend about ordering a binder. And yeah, I don't shave or rly wear make up n stuff. And I've just been thinking a lot about how far I want to go with transitioning in the future. Like, do I want to change my name or publicly use different pronouns or get surgery of any sort.....

But obviously this all comes with a lot of insecurity and vulnerability. I know my parents won't support me. They'll disown me in fact, my dad's literally told me that. And some people- like my art teacher- are very important to me, but I'm afraid they'll disown me to. I'm afraid that people already look down on me for my clothing and cosmetic choices. I KNOW that people already look down on me for my clothing and cosmetic choices.

So yeah, the chest hair part of my dream was just about that. About wanting to be unapologetically myself- for my outside to match my inside-, but also knowing that people will look down on me for it, and so much more.

---

TLDR: I dreamed about a gay children's show, sending people good vibes via Pokemon Go, and waking up with a hairy chest; my dream represented my desire to feel comfortable & happy with who I am, as well as wanting other people to feel comfortable and happy with who they are.

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victoryarch

October 2016

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