victoriarch: crescent moon against a daytime-blue sky (moon)
[personal profile] victoriarch
I dreamed that I was planning on going to a 'concert' with my friends. I put quotations around concert because this impending event was more of a 'white-29-year-old-youth-pastors-trying-to-appeal-to the-youth-via-pop-music-and-fruit-punch.' My friends and I were all just going as an excuse to hang out outside of school. I also planned to bake some snickerdoodle muffins to bring for my friends :)

Anyways, a few days before the concert, I was sitting at our family computer thinkin about the snickerdoodle muffins and such. That's when my mom came in, and in her signature apologetic voice informed me that we didn't really have adequate ingredients to make propersnickerdoodle muffins. She said that ALL of our white flour and sugar was mixed together in one giant container, so I wouldn't be able to measure the proper quantity of either ingredient.

I followed my mom down to the kitchen and asked why we couldn't just go to the store to get more flour and sugar. She was like, 'noo we can't do thaat.'

And in my head I reasoned, what's the point of bringing my friends snickerdoodle muffins if they're not even going to cook/taste right?. So I told my mom 'then I"m just not gonna make the muffins. If there any other baked good I can make with the ingredients we DO have?'

My mom got soo upset with me. She was like, 'You just don't want to make the snickerdoodle muffins because you don't want your dad to have any! You're father is not being invasive- all he wants are a few muffins! he does so much to provide for you and this is how you act!'

My dream switched to me thinking about whether I even wanted to go to this concert or not. It sounded kind of boring and too-social for me. Plus I hate any element of adults catering to their idea of what the kids think is cool and hip. Which that's basically all this concert was gonna be. So I asked my friends if they still planned on going, and they were like 'yaa.' My dream ended before I decided to go or not.


Dream Meaning

My mom always assumes we're angry at her. She always talks to us like she's failed us and like she knows she's failed us and like she just doesn't want us to be angry at her. WHY? I'm not angry at her. I'm not even an angry or mean person? And I'm really go-with-the-flow and flexible. Like, if there's a problem/delay/etc I'll make it work. It's no big deal, it never is. Her apologetic tone of voice is always more infuriating than whatever she feels like she needs to apologize for.? idk. BUt she's been using that tone a lot lately. It makes me feel guilty and also guilt-tripped.

Secondly, my mom always uses dad as an excuse. Whenever she has an opinion- about ANYTHING- she justifies it using dad. She's always like, 'Your father thinks..' or 'DAD wants you to [fill-in-the-blank]', and my sisters and I are always like, 'no, YOU think that, and YOU want us to do that, and if dad feels that way HE should be telling us not you. (we say that amongst ourselves, we don't say that TO her).

I'm not trying to speak badly about my mom. I love her, and I just want her to be happy, because I sense that she isn't happy. I sense that she feels like she's not allowed to respect her own feelings, and that she puts everyone else's feelings ahead of hers. Then she gets angry when no one seems grateful for her doing so. BUT, I really wish she'd just do what she wants more, instead of always putting everyone else's interests ahead of hers. She deserves to live her own life, not everyone else's life. It makes me sad, because I know she is sad and lonely and she doesn't know what to do about it. :(

So yeah, this dream was a manifestation of my mom's energy.

It was also a manifestation of my efforts to hang out with my friends and please them. I want to be closer with them, because I always feel on the outside (it's my fault, not their's; it's just the way I am). I suppose the mixed flour and sugar represented my seemingly irreversible relationship insecurities. Those insecurities that I WANT to overcome, but I have no idea how, as I've never succeeded yet in my life.

There's probably a lot more I can pull from this dream, but it's late right now, and I'm going to bed. too bad.. :/ (I'm not even proofreading)


TLDR: I dreamed I didn't have the ingredients to make muffins for my friends, and my mom was very upset with me. This dream represented my relationship insecurities (with my mother and friends)


victoriarch: screencap of Haruhi Fujioka with the sunset behind him (Default)

October 2016


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